how to be gentle on yourself (and others)

What does it mean to be gentle on yourself? I know you’ve heard it, maybe you’ve even said it to a loved one. It might feel like a bit of a cliché and overused statement right now, but I actually kind of love it. There are a lot of layers to being gentle with yourself, and there are many ways you can do this. I say this a lot, and my clients ask me all the time for the tangible steps to achieve gentleness.

So, what does it actually mean to be gentle with yourself? Is it a feeling, a state, the essence of something unachievable? It might look different for you, it might look different for me. There is no “right” way to be gentle, and incase you need it to be more concrete then an essence of something… Here are my seven favourite ways to be gentle with yourself and others (especially during difficult times):

1. Awareness of your feelings
   Noticing your feelings is a practice, and once you get in the rhythm of it, you feel it’s transformations. Noticing your feelings (without judgement of them) is different then the status-quo of “good,” “fine,” and “ok.” It is naming the feeling, sitting with it and allowing it to move you in whatever way you need. Right now, I want you to close your eyes ask your heart “how am I feeling?” Allow the word to come into your consciousness, the actual word. Your actual feeling word will give-way to you being able to honour that feeling and articulate it, while asking for what you need.

2. Record your feelings
   Journaling is one of the most widely used tools in managing mental health and giving permission for you to be gentle with yourself. Journaling will help you: manage anxiety, reduce stress and cope with everyday moments. It can be done in as little as five minutes and will help you prioritize your problems, fears, and concerns (all the ways that block our gentleness). Once you’ve written down your feelings, you empty those thoughts onto the paper and you are better able to move into resolving any conflicts in your life that are causing you stress, so that you can create a gentler inner and outer talk.

3. Talk to yourself like a friend

   Think of something that is taking up significant headspace for you right now. Notice where you feel this struggle in your body. What is one or two words you would use to describe this. Practice, right now, talking to yourself about this struggle, and respond like your friend would (not like your inner critic does all too often). Give yourself the same grace and compassion for this struggle as a friend would. Really listen to that friend. Hear what they have to say. And notice how it differs from what you would normally say to yourself. How does it feel differently in your body to hear words of compassion vs criticism. Notice how your muscles unclenched and maybe you felt a small relief from what your friend said. You have the power to do this for yourself – congratulations!

4. Take what people say as their actual word
   You know better then anyone else that all relationships are full of miscommunications, judgements (or speculation of judgement), and other misunderstandings. Someone says one thing, and you think something else. You may even find yourself projecting emotions, motivations and conclusions before they are even done talking. So, when being gentle with yourself and others, you are going to practice noticing when you are speculating, projecting and assuming you know more THEN you actually do. When you notice this internal dialogue (aka the story you are telling yourself), you are going to run it by your internal fact checker, by asking yourself how true is this thought. Then if needed say to the other person “The story I’m telling myself is… am I right or totally off base?”

5. Manage your expectations
   Some people are morning people, some are not. Some people are organized, some are not. Some people feel a responsibility to help, some do not. Having the perspective that there are many ways to live or to get things done can be incredibly freeing. Everyone has their own inner voice, their own personality, their own world-view and it’s going to be different then yours, AND THAT IS OK. So, when you see someone doing something, that is in your eyes “wrong,” take stock on whether your words or actions will, help or hinder the situation. Pause, count to ten and ask yourself, “Will my words hurt in this situation?” Is this my expectation, or theirs? Am I projecting, or allowing? Am I giving space or stifling? Is this reaction coming from my own expectations? Am I allowing this person to be who they are, or am placing expectations on them?
   
   

6. Believe people are going the best they can (including you)
   Your friend doesn’t text you back, and you think they are mad at you. Your mom cancels lunch, and you're convinced she doesn’t understand how busy you are. Your partner doesn’t do the dishes after supper, you resent them for not understanding all the other emotional work you do. Any of this sounds familiar? Then, it might be time to revisit the value of “assumption of positive intent.” Brene Brown writes: “It turns out that we assume the worst about people’s intentions when they’re not respectful of our boundaries: It’s easy to believe that they are trying to disappoint us on purpose.”
   So, what’s a person to do? Set your own boundaries, be kind, be gentle, and assume the person you are frustrated with is doing the best they can. PS> You have to believe you’re doing the best you can too.

7. Aligning your words and actions
   It is easy to see how these all go together - how we feel, what we tell ourselves, what we share with others, how we express what we believe, and what we assume of others.  They are all connected.  It’s in the ‘how we do one thing - we do all things’ (Thanks Jennifer Buchanan for this nugget if wisdom) and what we are doing to fully integrate gentleness throughout all of it.

I’d love to hear from you - tell me how you’re being gentle (or maybe not to gentle) on yourself lately.

Let me know how I can help.

Until next time,

Kayla