34. How to Self-Regulate and Cope as a Mother: Two Therapists on What Actually Helps
Danik Bernier is a therapist.
When her son was about a month old, he developed bronchiolitis.
The nurses at the hospital suctioned out his mucus and she watched his little body in distress. She thinks she dissociated in that moment - her brain checked out and came back online when it felt safe.
When she got home, her core belief kicked back in: I need to do the exact opposite of my mother. I need to save him. So every time she heard a little snore, a little sniffle, she went in with the Hydrasense and suctioned his nose — repeating the exact experience he'd had in the hospital.
By the time he had teeth, she couldn't get near his face. He'd go into full meltdown mode. It was beyond his ability to cope.
That's when she had the light bulb moment: even with the best intentions in the world, she had still caused harm.
Repairing has to come before perfection in order to regulate as a mom
I know this one personally. In my own postpartum experience with my first son, I didn't know I had undiagnosed ADHD.
I didn't screen on the EPDS screening either - I was high functioning, checked all the boxes, felt pretty prepared. What I realized later, after we were experiencing some challenges with my oldest, is that I know in my heart that I did not respond to him in the ways that he needed in those first months of his life. I know that I caused some harm and impacted his nervous system.
Danik and I are both therapists. We both came into motherhood with information, with awareness, with the genuine desire to break cycles. And we both still caused harm.
That's not a reason to spiral. It's actually the most important thing to understand going in.
The myth that's running most moms
The myth Danik hears most from the moms she works with - and it's not something we hold consciously, it lives in the subconscious - is: if I do things the right way, I will prevent any harm from happening. If I love my kids fiercely, nothing wrong will ever happen. If I'm perfect, I won't repeat what was done to me.
We weren't born thinking we need to be perfect. We learned it. And part of Danik's work is looking at why that theme emerged in the first place, and processing the significant traumas that contributed to it.
Because here's what she said that I keep coming back to: perfectionism is a trauma response in itself. Staying in that space, striving for that, is putting so much pressure on your body. And on the people around you - even when your intentions are pure.
We are the first generation doing this without a map
We're kind of the first generation to have awareness about all of this. And it's really tough to do something new and break patterns when we don't necessarily have examples or models of what to do. We weren't modeled on what a healthy repair looks like. We're creating it, playing it by ear, asking for feedback as we go.
Danik's framing here matters: people can do well if they can - meaning if they have the resources, if they have the information. This is all new. Having all of this information at our fingertips is very, very new. So of course people can't always do the best. And we can't either. That's not an excuse. It's just the reality.
And even if we know our parents truly did the best they could with what they had, that doesn't mean we don't still have trauma to process. And our kids might too. Both things are true.
THREE STEPS TO repair FOR MOMS
The first step is awareness. You said or did something. You can clearly see it's having a negative effect on your child. You notice it.
Then — and this is something Danik always tells the moms she works with — sometimes children are not ready to hear sorry right away. Sometimes it's okay to let some time go. A couple of minutes, a couple of hours. It depends on your child and their needs. Sometimes they need time alone to process. Sometimes they need to co-regulate with you first — to borrow from your calm before they can receive anything.
Then you seek feedback. "I see that when I said or did this thing, you reacted this way. That sounds like it wasn't okay. What do you think?" Open-ended. Non-defensive. Genuinely curious.
For someone who was criticized a lot growing up, receiving feedback from your own child is huge. It can be re-triggering. That's exactly why doing your own trauma processing matters — because we can end up triggered while we're trying to repair.
The other piece: keep trying, even when it's not perfect. Our children will energetically feel that we're trying. They'll sense it. And by being imperfect but still trying, we're giving them permission to be imperfect too. We're modeling what it looks like to be an imperfect parent who is also an emotionally safe parent. Both can exist.
Find your safe person
Coming from two therapists — we're a little biased — but seeking support matters. If therapy isn't accessible right now, find a safe person. Someone you can say to: my heart is beating way too fast when this happens. What do you think? Someone who you know in your gut will be open, will accept what you have to share, and will give you love back. That's secure attachment, really. Finding that one person changes what's possible.
The hard but gentle truth
All children will be emotionally harmed at some point. We will show up too much. We will show up too little. We will make a mistake. We will misjudge the situation. And it's important to recognize and act on those moments — to create safety within yourself and safety within others. To put the shame or the blame in a container and put it on the shelf for a minute. Feel the feelings. But don't get stuck in them.
Secure attachment isn't built through perfect moments. It builds over time, continuously. It's actually a good thing when your child can witness you mess up and then repair — because that's an opportunity to build trust. To continue creating the bond and the secure attachment you have with your children. That's something most of us didn't get. And we can give it.
This is not all just what happens in the first three hours, three days, three months, or three years. It is a relationship formed over time. And to create security, you have to move through unsafe or uncomfortable moments in order to know what safety actually feels like.
Resources
Impossible Parenting by Olivia Scobie
The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW - bilingual therapist and coach for stressed out moms in Ontario.
Danik offers 1:1 EMDR-focused therapy and trauma-informed parenting coaching.
What's one thing you're working on repairing right now - with your kid, yourself, or someone else? Drop it in the comments. No judgment here.
P.S. If this landed somewhere real for you - the Good Moms Get Mad free toolkit is waiting for you at kaylahuszar.com. And if you want to work with Danik directly, her details are linked above.
