5 Questions to Ask When Trying to Parent Differently Feels Impossible
It's 4 PM on a Tuesday and your kid is losing their absolute shit because you gave them the snack they literally just asked for.
You're standing there like a deer in headlights, frantically trying to remember what you read about conscious parenting, or maybe it was that attachment theory podcast, or was it the book about breaking generational cycles?
Either way, you're supposed to handle this differently than your parents did, but fuck if you know how in this moment.
You're doing all the intentional parenting things—trying to stay calm, not repeat your parents' mistakes, using strategies you learned from books and experts. You should feel good about trying to do better, right?
So why do you feel like you're drowning (and still losing your shit from time to time)?
If you read my story about the balloon incident that shattered my overthinking spiral, you know exactly what I'm talking about. That moment when my son told me to "leave me alone and let me feel" was a wake-up call I didn't see coming.
Trying to parent differently becomes overwhelming when we get stuck in our heads, overthinking every response instead of trusting what we feel and know about ourselves and our kids.
I'm Kayla Huszar, and I help women and moms who've spent their whole damn lives being everything to everyone else - finally turn some of that care inward, without guilt, shame, or losing their minds.
We make space for the weird, wonderful parts of you that got shoved to the back while you were busy holding it all together.
After working with hundreds of mothers drowning in "good parenting" pressure, I've discovered that the overwhelm isn't (always) coming from our children's big emotions - it's coming from our own anxiety about doing this whole parenting thing "right."
The tools I'm sharing today aren't complex therapeutic interventions or time-consuming self-care routines you'll never actually do (but they are tools I share with my clients almost every day).
They're quick coping tools and reflections you can use anywhere (and my clients use them all the time - they take some practice, but are actually easy) - whether you're hiding in your bathroom after a meltdown or lying awake at 2 AM replaying every interaction from the day.
Why "Good Parenting" Advice Sometimes Makes Everything Worse
Your kid is screaming because their sandwich is cut wrong and you're wondering if there's a conscious way to say "IT'S JUST BREAD, MAN, JUST EAT IT."
The advice online focuses on scripts and responses:
Say thing this way.
Use this approach.
Remember to validate feelings.
But don’t let them feel too powerful but don’t get into power struggle
But when you're mentally spiraling about whether you're parenting correctly, you don't need more strategies. You need tools that help you question the spiral itself.
But when you're mentally spiraling about whether you're parenting correctly, you don't need more strategies. You need tools that help you question the spiral itself.
Can I tell you something that took me way too long to figure out? Conscious/Gentle/Responsive parenting needs you to do WAY less, not more.
So many of us trying to break generational cycles get stuck in constant self-critique (shitty self talk). We're literally making ourselves worse at parenting by trying to do it perfectly (because we are anxious AF about screwing them up).
The goal isn't to think your way out of overwhelm. It's to recognize when you're overthinking parenting instead of just... parenting.
Question #1: What the Hell Is Happening to Me Right Now?
When to use it: When you're about to completely lose your shit and you're not even sure why.
Why this saved my sanity: I learned this the hard way when I found myself screaming at my kid about shoes at 8 AM and realized I hadn't even asked myself why I was so pissed. Turns out it wasn't about the shoes at all.
Alternates if that first one made your brain glitch:
What's happening in my body right now? (Tight chest? Clenched jaw? Holding your breath?)
Am I feeling frustrated, scared, embarrassed, overwhelmed, or just touched out?
Why am I feeling this way? (Spoiler: it's probably not about the shoes)
Can I actually do anything about this right now?
Real example: Your kid decides that the shoes they've worn every day for six months are now "too bumpy" and they're lying on the floor like you're asking them to wear actual torture devices. You're already late, your coffee is cold, and you can feel that familiar rage-panic building. Instead of yelling "PUT ON YOUR GODDAMN SHOES," pause: "What the hell is happening to me right now?" Sometimes the answer is "I haven't eaten in six hours and everything feels like a crisis."
Question #2: Am I Trying to Fix This or Just Let It Exist?
When to use it: When your child is having big feelings and every fiber wants to make it stop immediately.
What I wish I'd known sooner: I spent years jumping in to "fix" every emotional moment because I couldn't handle watching my kid be upset. Turns out, I was making it worse. Kids need to feel their feelings, not have them managed.
Another way to say it:
Am I trying to rush my child through this emotion because I can't handle it?
Is my response coming from wanting to help them or wanting them to stop?
What am I afraid will happen if I don't fix this right now?
Am I treating their feelings like a problem that needs solving?
Here's what blew my mind: Emotions move through us in about 90 seconds when we don't interfere. Your child's feelings aren't emergencies requiring immediate intervention.
Real life chaos: Your kid is sobbing because their elaborate block tower fell down and now they're acting like their entire world just ended (and to them it literally just did). Every instinct screams at you to say, "It's okay! We can build it again! Let's problem-solve this!" But what if you just... didn't? Sit nearby, maybe put a hand on their back if they want it, and let them feel disappointed about their tower. Don't rush to rebuild. Don't minimize it. Block towers falling legitimately sucks when you're little.
Question #3: What Do I Actually Need Right Now?
When to use it: When you feel your own emotions rising during your kid's chaos.
Why this changed everything for me: I used to think being a good mom meant never having needs, never being frustrated, never needing a break. Bullshit. Sometimes the most gentle thing you can do is admit you're human and need something.
If you're triggered and have no fucking idea, ask me another way:
What is my body telling me right now?
Am I trying to be calm when I actually feel like screaming?
What would honor both my needs and my child's needs right now?
How can I take care of myself while still showing up?
The honest truth: Your baby is crying during baby-led weaning, food is everywhere, and you can feel your anxiety rising about whether they're eating enough, if you're doing this right, if they're going to starve. You start trying to intervene, clean them up, offer different foods. Stop. Pause: "What do I actually need right now?" Maybe you need to remind yourself that learning to eat is messy as hell and they won't starve from one chaotic meal. Maybe you need to step back and let them explore without your anxious hovering.
Question #4: Who Is This Really For?
When to use it: When you catch yourself overthinking every response instead of just talking like a normal human.
Why this was a game-changer: I realized I was performing motherhood for some imaginary audience of perfect parents who literally don't exist. My kid didn't need my Instagram-worthy validation - he needed me to just be real with him.
If you're not used to reflecting, I’ll say that again:
Am I overthinking this to prove I'm a good parent?
Is this response coming from my heart or from something I read online?
What would I naturally say if I wasn't worried about doing it "right"?
Am I in my head right now or connected to what my child actually needs?
Messy reality: Your toddler is melting down about leaving the park. You hear yourself saying, "I can see you're having big feelings about leaving. It's hard when fun things end. Let's take some deep breaths together." Meanwhile, your kid is throwing sand and couldn't care less about your words. Reality check: "Who is this really for?" Try instead: "Yeah, leaving the park sucks. Come on, let's go be grumpy in the car together."
Question #5: What Does My Kid Actually Need From Me Right Now?
When to use it: When you're caught up in parenting strategies instead of looking at the actual child in front of you.
My biggest parenting revelation: I was so busy following all the "right" approaches that I forgot to actually look at MY kid. Instagram's theoretical perfect child who responds beautifully to validation scripts? That's not my son. Your kid probably isn't either.
If you're clouded by your own expectations, here it is again:
Am I responding to my actual child or to parenting "rules"?
What is my kid actually communicating through their behavior?
Do they need space, connection, or just someone to acknowledge that life is hard sometimes?
How can I respond to THIS kid in THIS moment instead of following a script?
Reality check moment: Your teenager comes home devastated about something that happened at school and you immediately start going through your conscious parenting checklist: validate, stay calm, offer choices, help them regulate. But stop. "What does my kid actually need from me right now?" Maybe they need you to stop trying to fix it and just listen. Maybe they need you to be furious on their behalf. Maybe they need you to say "That really sucks" and order pizza. Maybe they need you to respect that they want to process alone in their room. Tune into THIS kid in THIS moment, not what the parenting books say you should do.
Your Good Parenting Reality Check Toolkit
Look, when you feel like your head might actually explode and you're about to say something you'll regret, here's what actually helps:
First: Notice you're losing it (tight chest, racing thoughts, wanting to hide in the closet)
Then: Pick whichever question feels right:
About to explode? → "What the hell is happening to me right now?"
Trying to fix their big feelings? → "Am I trying to fix this or let it exist?"
Running on empty? → "What do I actually need right now?"
Overthinking instead of just being human? → "Who is this really for?"
Lost in all the parenting strategies? → "What does my kid actually need from me right now?"
Next: Take a breath (even if it's while hiding behind the laundry pile) and be honest about what's actually going on
Then: Respond from that real place instead of your overthinking spiral
Remember: The fact that you're questioning yourself proves you're a good parent. Bad parents don't wonder if they're bad.
When These JournaL Questions Aren't Enough
Listen, these tools work great for everyday parenting chaos and overthinking spirals. But if you're dealing with persistent anxiety, depression, or thoughts that genuinely scare you, please reach out to a mental health professional (like me).
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for ourselves and our families is admit we need more support than a blog post can give. There's zero shame in that.
Ready to dive deeper into what authentic parenting looks like for YOUR family? Book a session with me and we'll figure out how you can parent without all the scripts and overthinking.
Your Quick Reference Guide
Bookmark this page and save this for when you need it:
😤 About to lose it? Ask: "What the hell is happening to me right now?"
🔄 Trying to fix big feelings? Ask: "Am I trying to fix this or let it exist?"
💔 Feeling depleted? Ask: "What do I actually need right now?"
🎭 Overthinking instead of connecting? Ask: "Who is this really for?"
📋 Lost in strategies? Ask: "What does my kid actually need from me right now?"
Remember: You don't need to overthink parenting perfectly to be a good mother. You just need to show up as yourself, messy feelings and all.
Tired of parenting overwhelm running your life? The Motherload Membership is where exhausted moms learn to trust themselves instead of downloading another PDF they'll never read. Comment "TRUST" and I'll tell you how we help you stop overthinking and start actually connecting with your kids.
P.S. Last week I told my son "Mommy needs a minute because she's feeling really angry right now" instead of forcing myself to stay calm while internally screaming. He said "Okay" and went back to playing. Turns out, honesty is way less exhausting than trying to be the perfect gentle parent. Who would've thought?
Which question hits closest to home for you right now? Share below - you're definitely not alone in this parenting struggle.
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This information is for educational purposes only. Kayla cannot provide personalized advice or recommendations for your unique situation or circumstances. Therefore, nothing on this page or website should replace therapeutic recommendations or personalized advice. If you require such services, please consult with a medical or therapeutic provider to determine what's best for you. Kayla cannot be held responsible for your use of this website or its contents. Please never disregard or delay seeking medical or therapeutic treatment because of something you read or accessed through this website.
© 2025 Kayla Huszar - All Rights Reserved.
