75. The Mental Load Doesn't Have to Be Your Load Alone: What Happens When You Actually Share It
You know that feeling when you're mentally cataloging everything that needs to be done while simultaneously doing three other things?
The baby needs a diaper change, there's laundry multiplying in the basket, someone needs to figure out what's for dinner, and your brain is running background calculations on whether there's enough milk for tomorrow's cereal.
That was my default state for months until one random Tuesday during COVID when everything flipped. My husband was home, I had gone back to work early, and suddenly I found myself walking past that overflowing laundry basket without a single thought about when it would get done. Not because I was being negligent, but because it genuinely didn't even register on my mental radar.
For the first time in my adult life, I was experiencing what it felt like to be the partner who wasn't carrying the mental load of keeping the household running. And honestly? It was both enlightening and deeply uncomfortable.
This experience got me thinking about a conversation I had recently with Ryley Miller, who runs Rise of Society Alberta here in Leduc. We were talking about something that doesn't get enough airtime: how the unseen emotional labor of motherhood impacts not just our daily sanity, but our entire life trajectory.
And what happens when you actually share it.
The Mental Load Isn't Set in Stone
Here's what nobody tells you about the mental load: it's not fixed. It's not predetermined by your gender, your personality, or some cosmic motherhood decree. It's negotiable.
Ryley put it perfectly: "The key word is negotiation. And if you're in a loving, respectful marriage, that negotiation is very healthy, right? Deciding between what are you really good at, what are you really good at, and then coming to compromise."
But that negotiation isn't a one-time conversation. It's ongoing, shifting, adapting to life's curveballs. Ryley and I have both experienced role reversals where our partners became primary caregivers, and it changes everything.
During that COVID period when I was working and my husband was home with our eight-month-old, I got a crash course in being on the other side. Laundry got done without me thinking about it. Meals appeared. The baby's needs were met while I focused on income. And for the first time, I understood that when my husband hadn't noticed the overflowing hamper before, it wasn't malice or incompetence—it was simply not being the person whose brain automatically scanned for these tasks.
The Great Equalizer: Trading Primary Parent Roles
Ryley calls switching primary parent roles "such a great equalizer in a relationship," and she's right. When you trade off who handles daily logistics—meal planning, schedule coordination, the mental chess game of family management—both partners experience both perspectives.
"It empowers the other partner to think, I need to figure out how to manage the daily schedule. What am I packing when I go out the door? All these logistics," Ryley explained. "It empowers them to build these skills so they don't feel incompetent."
This isn't about keeping score or proving points. It's about creating space for both partners to develop competency in areas they might not have naturally gravitated toward. When my husband became primary caregiver during those weeks, he didn't do things exactly as I would have. But the baby was fed, clean, and happy. The house functioned. Different doesn't mean wrong.
When Sharing the Load Opens Doors
When the mental load is truly shared, it creates space for pursuing things you might never have imagined possible.
Ryley's experience is a perfect example. Because she and her husband negotiated their roles and he took on more primary parenting responsibilities, she's been able to run her organization, take on more professional challenges, and even run for municipal council. "It's given me more space to pursue my career," she shared. "Not only for my own self-fulfillment, but for my family."
This hits on something crucial that often gets overlooked: many of us want to contribute professionally, not just for personal satisfaction, but because we have a vision for what we want to provide for our families.
We're not trying to escape motherhood—we're trying to show up as our full selves, which includes but isn't limited to being someone's mom.
As someone who works with millennial mothers navigating these exact tensions through expressive arts therapy, I see this struggle constantly. The false choice between being present with our children and pursuing meaningful work shows up in my practice again and again.
The Permission to Figure It Out
One thing that struck me about my conversation with Ryley was her philosophy: "We'll figure it out." When her friends are debating whether to take risks or try new things, her consistent message is "just go for it, we'll figure it out."
There's something beautifully liberating about this approach. It acknowledges that we don't need to have everything perfectly mapped out before we make a move. We don't need to wait for the perfect moment when all the stars align and the mental load is completely eliminated.
"Most things can be fixed or adjusted," Ryley pointed out. "Life kind of is very unexpected, especially like, things are very like tumultuous right now, and there's a lot of things going on, and people are struggling."
This resonates because so many of us are waiting for permission—permission to pursue something meaningful, permission to ask for help, permission to reorganize our lives in ways that make sense for our actual circumstances rather than some idealized version of what motherhood "should" look like.
The Ongoing Dance of Boundaries
Even when you successfully negotiate a more balanced mental load, the work continues. Ryley was honest about this: "Making sure that I'm having meaningful time with my children, making sure that I'm present with them rather than being on at work all the time" remains an ongoing challenge.
This is the dance we're all doing—the push and pull between professional fulfillment and presence with our children, between personal growth and family responsibility. There's no perfect balance, only ongoing adjustment.
"I think that's kind of the emotional load that I carry," Ryley reflected. "Am I having like a really authentic relationship with them? And that they're not just seeing me in a working role all the time that they're seeing me as their mom."
What This Means for You
If you're reading this thinking, "That sounds nice, but my partner would never..." or "We can't afford for one of us to stay home," I hear you. Not everyone has the flexibility or resources for dramatic role reversals. But the principle remains: the mental load is negotiable.
Here are some ways to start:
Start with one area. What's one responsibility you could genuinely hand off—not just the task, but the mental ownership of ensuring it gets done?
Have the conversation. What's one discussion you could have about redistributing the invisible work of keeping your family functioning?
Identify resentment patterns. Maybe it's not about completely switching roles, but recognizing where frustration builds and addressing it honestly.
Release the control. Recognize that your partner isn't intentionally ignoring things—they may just not be the person whose brain has been trained to notice them.
Remember it's not binary. You don't have to choose between being present with your children and pursuing meaningful work, although these choices often feel mutually exclusive.
The Ripple Effects
When we share the mental load more equitably, the benefits extend far beyond our personal stress levels:
Children see different partnership models. They witness what equitable relationships can look like in practice.
We show up more authentically. In all areas of our lives, we give ourselves permission to be multifaceted humans rather than one-dimensional caregivers.
Next generation benefits. Ryley's daughters get to see their mom as someone who takes risks, pursues meaningful work, and contributes to her community. They also see their dad as someone fully capable of managing their daily needs and nurturing their growth.
These aren't small gifts to give the next generation.
Moving Forward
The truth is, there's no one-size-fits-all solution to the mental load dilemma. What worked for Ryley and her family might look completely different from what works for yours. The key is recognizing that you have more agency in this area than you might think.
You don't have to accept that you'll always be the default parent, the keeper of all information, the one who remembers everything. You don't have to choose between being present with your children and pursuing meaningful work. These aren't binary choices, although they often feel like they are.
As Ryley reminded me, "We're all probably just trying to get by as best as we can." But within that getting by, there's room for negotiation, room for growth, and room for creating something that works better for everyone.
The mental load doesn't have to be your load alone. And when you truly share it—not just the tasks, but the mental responsibility—you might be surprised by what becomes possible.
What's one area of mental load you'd be willing to negotiate sharing with your partner? What's holding you back from having that conversation?
P.S. If this conversation with Ryley resonated with you, you might want to check out some of my other episodes where we dive deeper into these themes. I've had some incredible conversations about redefining what "good enough" motherhood looks like, navigating identity shifts after becoming a parent, and finding ways to honor both your individual dreams and your family life. Sometimes the best thing we can do is just hear other mothers' stories and realize we're not alone in feeling torn between all the different parts of ourselves.
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