The Art of Not Being Fine: Why Creative Expression Beats Positive Thinking for Moms
"I'm fine. Really, I'm fine. Everything's fine. The kids are fine. My marriage is fine. I'm handling everything just fine. But honestly? I fantasize about running away to a cabin in the woods where no one can find me. But yeah, no, I'm fine."
Sarah, a mom of three and Motherload member, told me this during one of our sessions. She kept saying "fine" so much it became an automatic answer to "how are you?"
Saying "I'm fine" is often the worst lie we tell ourselves. The pressure to always be positive, grateful, and blessed just makes us more frustrated, not happier.
I'm Kayla, and I help stressed-out moms stop overthinking and start expressing what they really feel.
Why "I'm fine" is the most dangerous phrase in motherhood
"How are you holding up with the new baby?" "Oh, I'm fine!"
"Managing okay with three kids and work?" "Yeah, totally fine!"
"Everything good after that meltdown in Costco?" "We're fine, just tired!"
Sound familiar?
Here's the toxic positivity trap that keeps moms stuck: we've been taught that admitting we're struggling makes us ungrateful, weak, or bad mothers. So we default to "fine" even when we're drowning.
💡 THE TRUTH ABOUT "FINE" "Fine" is often code for "I'm struggling” but “good” moms aren't supposed to say that out loud.
It's a shield that protects others from our reality but disconnects us from our own truth.
What moms really mean when we say "fine":
Fine = I'm drowning but can't admit it
Fine = I'm angry but good moms aren't supposed to be
Fine = I'm exhausted but everyone needs me functional
Fine = I'm overwhelmed but I should be grateful
Fine = Please don't ask me to elaborate because I might cry
The problem with "fine" isn't that it's a lie - sometimes we genuinely are okay. The problem is when it becomes our automatic response to avoid feeling feelings that make us uncomfortable.
The toxic positivity mom epidemic that's pissing us all off
"Just be grateful for what you have!"
"Look on the bright side!"
"Everything happens for a reason!"
"At least you have healthy kids!"
Insert eye roll so hard you can see your brain.
Toxic positivity in motherhood culture is the pressure to maintain a positive mindset at all times, even when you're genuinely struggling. It's the Instagram posts about being "blessed" when you're actually barely surviving. It's gratitude journals that make you want to throw things.
As Dr. Sophie Brock's research shows, this pressure to be perpetually positive actually intensifies maternal stress because it adds another impossible standard to an already impossible job.
The Toxic Positivity Translation Guide for Moms:
What they say: "Just be grateful!"
→ What you hear: Your feelings don't matter
→ What you need: Permission to feel complex emotions
What they say: "Look on the bright side!"
→ What you hear: You're being negative
→ What you need: Space to process the hard stuff
What they say: "Everything happens for a reason!"
→ What you hear: Your pain has purpose
→ What you need: Your pain to be witnessed, not justified
When someone tells a struggling mom to "just be positive," they're essentially saying her authentic experience isn't acceptable. But here's what toxic positivity culture doesn't understand: you can be grateful AND furious simultaneously.
When gratitude lists didn’t make things worse, but didn’t help this mom either
Sarah had tried everything the wellness industry recommended.
Morning affirmations.
Gratitude journals.
Mindfulness apps.
Vision boards.
She'd collected self-help books like they were going to save her from the reality of motherhood.
"I kept writing down three things I was grateful for every day," she told me. "Healthy kids, roof over our heads, food on the table. But I just got angrier. Because gratitude wasn't fixing the fact that I felt invisible in my own life."
I invited her to close her eyes and feel into herself, to find the place where “fine” lived. She nodded. Then I asked if there was a color and shape there. Again, she nodded. Finally, I asked if she wanted to draw it.
She opened her eyes, grabbed the pastels, and scribbled - swirls of green and black, with yellow and pink fringes.
This is where creative expression differs from positive thinking: it doesn’t try to fix your feelings. It honors them.
Sarah didn’t necessarily need to reframe her thoughts. She needed to express those feelings and discover that her "not fine" emotions were information she could use to make some changes.
A meditation practice for moms who are tired of just being fine
Find a quiet space (yes, even the bathroom counts), and let's practice the radical act of not being fine.
The "Not Fine" Meditation for Moms (8 minutes)
Minute 1: Getting Honest Sit however feels comfortable. Close your eyes or soften your gaze. Take three normal breaths—not deep, perfect yoga breaths, just regular human breaths.
Ask yourself: "How am I really doing right now?" Not how you should be doing, not how you want to be doing. How are you actually doing?
Minutes 2-3: Locating the "Not Fine" Notice where you feel tension, tiredness, or emotion in your body. Maybe it's your shoulders carrying everyone's problems. Maybe it's your chest holding back words you can't say. Maybe it's your jaw from smiling when you don't feel like it.
Don't try to fix these sensations. Just notice them. Say hello to the parts of you that aren't fine.
Minutes 4-5: Permission to Feel Whatever emotions are present—anger, sadness, overwhelm, emptiness—imagine giving them permission to be here. You don't have to like them. You don't have to keep them forever. But right now, they're allowed to exist.
If thoughts come up like "I should be grateful" or "Other people have it worse," just notice those thoughts and return to simply being with what is.
Minutes 6-7: Breathing with "Not Fine" Continue breathing normally while staying present with whatever you're experiencing. This isn't about fixing or changing. This is about being honest about your human experience.
Notice: does giving yourself permission to not be fine actually create a tiny bit of space? A small exhale of relief?
Minute 8: Closing with Self-Compassion Before you open your eyes, place one hand on your heart. Say to yourself: "It's okay to not be fine. Not being fine doesn't make me ungrateful or broken. It makes me human."
When you're ready, open your eyes.
Alternatives to forced gratitude for moms
After this meditation, your system might feel more spacious, or you might feel more aware of what's actually true for you.
Either way, here's what to do with whatever came up - and it doesn't involve a gratitude journal.
Instead of writing what you're grateful for, try:
Emotional Weather Report
Write: "Today my internal weather is..." (stormy, foggy, scattered showers, partly cloudy with a chance of rage) and then sketch that weather.Permission Slips
Write: "I give myself permission to..." (be tired, be angry, not have it all figured out, take up space)Angry List
Write down everything that is making you mad, irritated, annoyed, everything. Then cross off the ones you can not control and highlight/circle the ones you can.Reality Statements
Write: "What's true right now is..." (I'm overwhelmed, I miss who I used to be, I love my kids and feel touched out)Feeling Validation
Complete: "It makes sense that I feel _____ because..."
These practices work because they honor your experience of motherhood instead of trying to override it with better thoughts. They create space for your feelings instead of trying to manage them away.
The relief of not having to be fine
So… Sarah is trying to stop saying “fine” and noticing the pressure to be positive (constantly, incessantly, guiltily) and she’s learning how to feel her feelings and practice self-validation.
"I stopped pretending I was fine, and weirdly, I started feeling more okay," she told me. "Not because I fixed my life, but because I stopped using so much energy pretending it was different than it was."
This is what I mean by the art of not being fine: the practice of letting your experience exist without jumping to improve, fix, or bypass it.
✅ THE ART OF NOT BEING FINE IS:
Honest self-awareness without judgment
Permission to feel your feelings first, fix them second (if at all)
Recognizing that "not fine" is temporary and valid
❌ THE ART OF NOT BEING FINE IS NOT:
Wallowing in negativity forever
Becoming ungrateful or bitter
Never taking action to improve your life
An excuse to stay stuck
Why this matters for overwhelmed mothers
In a world that expects moms to always be grateful, patient, and happy, saying you're not okay is bold. It’s the first step to true healing and self-kindness.
In the Motherload Membership, we make safe spaces for moms to drop the “I’m fine” act and face their real feelings. You can try meditation, get creative, and see that struggling doesn’t make you a bad mom - it makes you real.
When you join other moms who value honesty over fake positivity, things change. Not because life gets easier, but because you stop wasting energy pretending.
What part of being a mom are you tired of saying is “fine”? Share below - sometimes just saying “this isn’t fine” can start real change.
