Session 7: The Mother I Thought I'd Be - Closing the Gap Between Expectations and Reality
Welcome back, or welcome if this is your first time with us. However you made it here today - whether you're feeling okay with who you are as a mom or disappointed you're not who you imagined - you're exactly where you need to be.
So before I had kids, I had this whole vision. I was going to be THAT mom, you know?
The one who makes muffins and cookies from scratch and does Pinterest-worthy crafts
The one who's endlessly patient, never raises her voice, gets down on the floor to play for hours (and isn't annoyed by it)
The mom who keeps the house clean AND has time for herself AND never looks frazzled
I even had a Pinterest board called "Mom Life." Full of beautiful images of mothers (wearing kick-ass outfits that look functional and comfy) laughing with their well-dressed children in the forest.
Then I actually became a mom.
And last Tuesday? I gave my kids goldfish crackers for lunch because I was too tired to fight about it. I yelled at them about having to rationalize why we brush our teeth every day (twice a day) and that this wasn't the first time that week I'd had to talk about this. And when my youngest asked me to play, I said "Mommy has been on since 7am and I just need an adult moment."
I am not the mom I thought I'd be. And for a long time, that felt like failure, like I was never going to measure up to "that" mom. Like I was letting everyone down - especially myself.
And... even though I've been parenting for 10 years, I'm still learning: that Pinterest mom doesn't exist (or more accurately now, IG mom influencers know nothing about my reality and the shit that they make look easy might not be easy or attainable for me). She's a fantasy. And the gap between who I thought I'd be and who I actually am? That gap is where all the shame lives.
Does this sound familiar? That feeling of constantly falling short of your own expectations? Of comparing your reality to the Instagram highlight reel and feeling like you're failing at something everyone else seems to handle so easily?
Today we're going to explore that gap - and learn how to validate your actual experience instead of measuring it against an impossible standard.
What I Hope You Discover Today
Maybe understanding where you came from helps you understand where you're going
Your lived experience of motherhood is real and happening right now - shaped by your past but not defined by it
Your body knows what to carry forward and what to heal
↓ WATCH THE RECORDING OR SCROLL DOWN TO READ ↓
Gentle Check-In
Before we go deeper, let's just notice what's happening in your body right now.
Think about the kind of mother you thought you'd be before you had kids. Now think about who you actually are on a Tuesday afternoon. What does that gap feel like in your body? Maybe disappointing, or heavy, or like you're never quite good enough.
Complete these sentence stems:
When I think about the mother who raised me, what comes up for me is...
The mom I thought I'd be is/was...
The mom I actually am is...
And when you think about letting go of those impossible expectations, what comes up? Maybe relief? Maybe grief about the fantasy? All of that makes complete sense.
A Different Way to Look at This
I want to offer you a different way to think about expectations and reality in motherhood.
What if the problem isn't that you're failing - it's that the expectations were impossible to begin with? What if the Pinterest/Instagram mom you thought you'd be was never real, never achievable, and was set up to make you feel inadequate?
Here's what happens: You absorb messages about what "good moms" do - from social media, from your own childhood, from other moms who seem to have it together. You create this ideal in your mind. Then reality hits - the exhaustion, the sensory overload, the chaos - and suddenly you're measuring your worst moments against someone else's highlight reel.
And here's where self-validation comes in. Instead of looking outside yourself for proof that you're doing okay (seeking reassurance from your partner, comparing yourself to others, waiting for your kids to turn out "right"), what if you could validate your own experience?
Self-validation means recognizing that your feelings, your struggles, your actual lived experience of motherhood is real and makes sense - even if it doesn't match the fantasy. It means saying "Yes, this is hard. Yes, I'm doing the best I can. Yes, my reality is valid even though it's not what I imagined."
Your body holds both the disappointment of unmet expectations AND the truth of your actual experience. It knows when you're being genuine versus when you're performing motherhood for an invisible audience.
What if closing the gap isn't about becoming the mom you thought you'd be - it's about validating the mom you actually are?
Today we're going to explore what disappointment in yourself feels like versus what self-validation feels like in your body.
Musical Reflection: Take a few minutes to listen to "First Time on Earth" by Alex Warren and write freely about what comes up for you about mothering and being mothered. Let whatever wants to surface come through.
Guided Visualization: The Mother You Had | The Mother You Are
Safety note: This meditation invites you to reflect on your own mother or primary caregiver. If this brings up difficult memories, please choose a memory or moment that feels manageable - something that registers between a 3-7 on a distress scale (where 0 is no distress and 10 is overwhelming). You're in control of what you explore. If it feels too intense, you can always shift your focus back to your breath.
Before we start, write down what you hope to understand about the generations of mothering - where you came from and where you're going.
↓ LISTEN OR READ THIS SCRIPT ↓
If you're willing, get comfortable and take a few breaths with me. Or soften your gaze if closing your eyes doesn't feel right.
Close your eyes and take some deep breaths. Notice your chest rising and falling. Keep breathing until you feel settled in your body.
Think about your mother, or whoever raised you. Not all the complicated feelings - just one specific memory of her as a mother. Maybe something ordinary - her hands doing something, her voice, the way she moved through the house. Just one moment. Notice what you see - the colors, the sounds, the way she moved.
What did you learn about mothering from her? Not the big lessons, just what you absorbed by watching. Some of it was good - things you wanted to carry forward. Some of it was hard - things you're trying to heal or do differently. Just notice both without judgment.
Now think about the mother you imagined you'd be. What did she look like? How did she act? What kind of days did she have? Notice if some of this ideal came from what you wanted to replicate, or what you were trying to fix. Just notice the fantasy and where it came from.
Notice where that ideal lives in your body. Maybe it feels aspirational and light, or maybe it feels heavy with the weight of trying to heal old wounds. Just notice, mindfully observe and label - the colors, the sounds, the way she moves.
Now think about the reality - the mother you actually are. Not your worst day, not your best day - just a regular day. The version of you who's tired, who sometimes loses patience, who does the best you can with what you have. The one who carries both what was good from before AND what you're trying to heal. Feel what it's like to be that actual mom. Just notice - the colors, the sounds, the way you move.
Bring all three into view: the mother who raised you, the mother you thought you'd be, the mother you actually are. Notice the threads between them - what you kept, what you released, what you're still working on. Remind yourself that this is a common experience - we all carry our mothers' legacies while creating our own.
What would these three generations of mothers say to each other? Maybe gratitude for what was good. Maybe acknowledgment of what was hard. Maybe understanding that everyone was doing their best with what they had. Feel what happens in your body when you offer this understanding - not fixing, not defending, just acknowledging. Maybe this sounds like: "It's understandable that..." or "This makes sense because..." or "I'm taking what was good and healing what wasn't..."
Feel this understanding move through your body now. Maybe it feels softer, or warmer, or more grounded than judgment. Notice the difference.
Now move your attention to your heart area. When you can feel your attention there, ask: "What does the mother I actually am need to hear about this lineage I'm part of?" Let whatever comes up, come up.
Finally, imagine yourself moving through tomorrow being the mom you actually are - carrying forward what was good, healing what wasn't, creating something new. What does THAT feel like in your body?
When you're ready, gently open your eyes.
This isn't about blaming or idealizing anyone. It's about understanding that you're part of a lineage of mothers - taking what serves, releasing what doesn't, and creating your own path forward.
Creative Practice - Your Choice
Pick whatever feels most accessible to you today - based on what energy you have, what supplies are handy, or just what calls to you.
🎨 Option 1: Create a Collage of the Two Moms
Use whatever materials you have - magazines, printed images, colored paper, drawings - to create a visual representation of the mom you imagined you'd be and the mom you actually are. Maybe they're side by side, maybe one is layered over the other, maybe there's a bridge or conversation between them. Show what you saw during the meditation.
Draw/Sketch the Scene That Unfolded
Use whatever drawing materials you have to capture the scene from the meditation. What did the fantasy mom look like (her colors, her movements, her energy)? What does the real mom look like? What happened when they met each other? What did the validation between them look like or feel like?
🖊️ Option 2: Write in Response to the Meditation
Let yourself write about what came up during the visualization.
What did you notice about the gap between who you thought you'd be and who you are?
What did the two moms say to each other?
What validation did you need to hear?
What does it feel like to be the mom you actually are instead of performing the fantasy?
Remember - this isn't about making something beautiful or getting it right. It's about externalizing what your body showed you about these two versions of yourself and the gap between them.
Take 12-15 minutes with whichever option you chose.
Journal Practice: What Did You Notice?
Take a moment to look at what you created, or think about what came up for you.
What surprised you about the gap?
When the two versions of you met in the meditation, were there any surprises about that relationship?
What I hear from people is how much grief and relief show up at the same time - grief for the fantasy mom who was never real, and relief at finally being able to stop pretending. The mom you actually are has been waiting to be seen and validated.
What You Discovered Today
Look what you've done over these seven weeks. You've learned to trust your body's wisdom about overwhelm, criticism, sensory limits, identity, mental load, and guilt. Today you learned what might be underneath all of those struggles - the gap between who you thought you'd be and who you actually are.
You explored that gap not with more judgment, but with compassion. You brought the fantasy mom and the real mom face to face and let them speak to each other with understanding instead of shame.
You practiced self-validation - not waiting for someone else to tell you you're doing okay, but recognizing that your actual lived experience is real and makes sense even when it's messy and hard and nothing like you imagined.
You learned to feel the difference in your body between performing motherhood for an invisible audience and being genuine to who you actually are. Between measuring yourself against fantasy and validating your reality.
Here's something to remember: Your kids don't need the Pinterest/Instagram mom who doesn't exist. They need YOU - the real, tired, imperfect, trying-your-best you. The one who shows up even when it's hard. The one who's figuring it out as you go. The one who loves them fiercely even when you're not getting it "right."
What if the most important thing you could do is stop measuring yourself against an impossible standard and start validating your actual experience? What if the mom you are - with all your humanity, your limits, your imperfections - is exactly the mom your kids need to see?
What if being real is more valuable than being perfect?
Next Week: Session 8: What If I CAN Actually Do This? - Trying Some New Things That Might Help
In our final session, we'll explore what it feels like in your body to trust yourself to make changes, and how to move forward with everything you've learned over these eight weeks.
Something to Take With You
Think about one specific expectation you're ready to release this week - one way you thought you'd be that you're not, and how you could validate your actual experience instead.
Write for a few minutes: "One expectation I'm ready to let go of is... and what I need to validate about my actual experience is..."
Maybe it's "I thought I'd never yell, but I do - and I can validate that I'm overwhelmed and doing my best with limited resources." Maybe it's "I thought I'd love every moment, but I don't - and I can validate that motherhood is genuinely hard and my feelings are real."
Now make it tangible:
What's one moment this week when you'll catch yourself comparing to the fantasy mom? (Like scrolling Instagram, or seeing another mom who seems to have it together, or judging yourself for being tired)
What will you say to yourself in that moment to validate your actual experience? Write the exact words now so you have them ready. (Example: "It's understandable that I'm exhausted. This is real and makes sense.")
Who is one person you could share this with? Someone who would validate the real you, not expect you to be the fantasy?
Start noticing when you're measuring yourself against impossible standards, and practice offering yourself the validation you've been waiting for.
Gentle questions to carry with you this week:
What would change if you stopped trying to become the mom you thought you'd be and started validating the mom you actually are?
How might self-validation change not just your relationship with yourself, but with your kids?
What's one way the real mom you are is exactly what your kids need - imperfections and all?
These aren't just invitations. This is the work of integration - taking everything you've learned about trusting your body and using it to validate your actual lived experience.
