How to Set Boundaries Around the Mom Christmas Mental Load - Without the Guilt
Last Christmas I was feeling guilty and wishing I’d set more boundaries around the mental load.
I was standing in my in-laws' kitchen at 10 PM staring at a counter covered in Santa presents, stockings, and a half-written Christmas card list in my phone (those Christmas cards wouldn't get mailed until Easter).
This is what the mom Christmas mental load looks like without boundaries.
(and I’ve literally captured three out of a million things)
My husband left for work on Christmas Eve and wouldn't be home until New Year's Day. My kids were dreaming of sugar plums or whatever. And I was standing there, phone in one hand, scrolling Cabela's trying to figure out how to put this toy smoker together, seriously considering whether I would have my menty b (mom slang for mental breakdown) on Christmas Day or on the way home - with still DAYS to go until my husband was back.
I hadn't made a single thing just for me in weeks. Actually, that's not true - I'd made lists. Gift lists. Grocery lists. Travel packing lists. Lists of which packages were being delivered on what day, which safe foods I needed to remember, which kid needed what for the Christmas concert, whether I'd bought teacher gifts yet.
That's when it hit me: I was drowning in the mom Christmas mental load, and I didn't even remember jumping in.
If you're a mom stressed out by the Christmas mental load, here’s why
The Christmas mental load for moms isn't just the tasks themselves - it's the conceptualizing, planning, and execution of any given task (aka the constant mental work of keeping the holiday magic alive while everyone else enjoys it).
Research from the University of Bath found that mothers take on 71% of all household mental load tasks - and that's on a regular Tuesday. During the holidays? A 2024 TODAY.com survey revealed that moms bear the brunt of holiday prep 97% of the time.
Ninety-seven f-ing percent of the Christmas mental load falls to mothers.
While your partner might "help" with decorating the tree or wrapping a few gifts, you're the one remembering that your mother-in-law is gluten-free, that your daughter needs cookies for school on Friday, that Christmas cards need to be mailed by the 15th, and that you still haven't figured out what to get your nephew who "has everything."
And what's even more f-ed up? Dads consistently report they don't feel guilt and shame about holiday prep, while moms feel punished if they don't show up the way they're supposed to - either by their children, the community, or themselves.
You're not just carrying the load. You're carrying the guilt about the load, the shame about feeling overwhelmed, and the fear that if you don't do it all, you're somehow failing at motherhood during the "most wonderful time of the year."
The Hardest Part of Setting Boundaries
Psychologist Harriet Lerner writes in The Dance of Anger that women often avoid asking precise questions and making clear statements when we unconsciously suspect that doing so would expose our differences, make the other person uncomfortable, and leave us standing alone.
We don't speak up because we're afraid of standing alone.
So instead, we stand at the kitchen counter at 11 PM, alone anyway, but now also exhausted, resentful, and wondering why nobody else notices how much work goes into Christmas morning magic.
The mental load doesn't just steal your time - it steals your sanity.
Glass Balls vs Plastic Balls: How to Set Boundaries Around Your Christmas Mental Load
Author Nora Roberts once explained it like this: some of the balls you're juggling are made of glass, and some are made of plastic. If you drop a plastic ball, it bounces - no harm done. If you drop a glass ball, it shatters.
The key is knowing which is which.
Here's the part that matters: Roberts wasn't talking about juggling five balls where "family" is glass and "work" is plastic. She was talking about juggling fifty-five balls - separate balls for everything that goes into each category. Here are some of the balls you’re juggling:
Deadline on Project Y
Red shirt day at school
Teacher gifts
Getting to the grocery store to get everything to make homemade cinnamon buns on Christmas morning
Treat boxes for sniggers, family and friends
Mailing Christmas cards
Some of these are glass, and some are plastic. Sometimes, to keep juggling a glass ball, you have to drop a plastic one. The reverse is also true.
How to Figure out Which Boundaries Need to Be Set For Your Christmas Mental Load
Get out a journal (or your notes app) and reflect on these things:
The Inventory: List every single thing you're mentally responsible for this Christmas season. Everything. Get it all out.
The Truth: Looking at that list, which items are YOU holding because you actually care about them, and which are you holding because you think you're "supposed to"? Mark them somehow.
The Ask: If you could wave a magic wand and have someone else take full ownership (not just help, but fully own) three things from that list, what would they be? Mark them somehow.
The Fear: What are you afraid will happen if you set boundaries or delegate? Name the fear specifically. Then ask: Is that fear based on something real, or something you're imagining?
The Voice: Write the exact words you need to say to ask for what you need. Don't censor yourself.
The Christmas Mental Load Boundary Map
Materials needed: Paper and a pen
Starting with your inventory list, make which ones are glass and which ones are plastic.
Get two pieces of paper or split one in half - one labeled "Glass Balls" and one labeled "Plastic Balls."
On the Glass Balls side, draw as many glass balls as you hold and write or draw the things that would genuinely shatter if you dropped them. Use colors that feel important to you.
On the Plastic Balls side, draw as many plastic balls as you hold and write or draw everything else. The things that feel urgent but would actually bounce back. Use lighter colors. Be honest - most of what feels like glass is actually plastic.
Cross out three plastic balls. Just cross them out.
On the back, write: "These are the balls I'm choosing to drop. They're plastic. They'll bounce."
Put this somewhere you'll see it when you start to spiral. Your fridge. Your bathroom mirror. Folded in your wallet.
OK, but this is all well and good right? Now’s the more challenging part…. The most frequently asked question from the moms I work with is: how do I actually set boundaries without feeling terrible?
5 Guilt-Free Ways to Set Mental Load Boundaries at Christmas:
If you did the exercise above, even if it was in your head, you’ve gotten specific About Your Glass Balls, here are 6 steps you can now take to figure out what to do next (some of these you will resonate with and some won’t - take what you need and leave the rest)
Don't do things your partner is perfectly capable of doing, but also don't assume they know what to do, and don't silently seethe when they don't do it like you do (I know, easier said than done)
I love this quote from from Harriet Lerner (again the Dance of Anger): "They won't start doing it until you stop doing it."
And I'm going one step further to say they won't continue to do it if you criticize the way they did it.
What fell off your plate last year that your partner could take on?
Ask Your Actual Humans What They Want
Not what Instagram says they should want or you should care deeply about. Not what you think a "good mom" would provide.
Ask your partner: "What are the three things that make Christmas feel like Christmas to you?"
Ask your kids the same thing.
And ask yourself.
You might be shocked to discover what is important to each of you.
Practice Speaking Up Before You're Resentful
Lerner teaches that the key problem in relationships is that people begin to lose their voice. We stop expressing what we actually need because we're afraid of discomfort. And if you're already alone at that kitchen counter at 11 PM, the only question is whether you spoke up before you got there.
If it’s helpful, try this language:
"I've been thinking about the holidays, and I need help with the mental load, not just the tasks. Can we sit down and divide up who's responsible for what?"
"I'm going to stop doing [thing] this year because it doesn't bring me or the kids joy. I wanted to let you know so you can pick it up if it matters to you."
"I need Christmas morning to feel less chaotic. What if we did [simpler alternative]?"
And don't be afraid to follow up and hold them accountable. (This is not nagging, by the way.)
Delegate the WHOLE THING, Not Just the Task
The mental load isn't "can you wrap these presents?" It's planning, conceptualizing, and execution. It's knowing that presents need wrapping, remembering which gifts go to which people, making sure you have enough wrapping paper, and doing it before Christmas Eve.
Again, if it’s helpful you could try this:
"I need you to own Christmas morning breakfast. That means figuring out what we're having, making sure we have the ingredients, and making it happen. I will not have a backup plan. What information, structure, or accountability do you need from me to make this happen?"
Give Yourself Permission
Nobody is going to give you permission to do less. You have to give it to yourself.
The mom's Christmas mental load is real and setting boundaries one way to manage it.
The research confirms it. Your exhaustion confirms it. The fact that you're reading this at while everyone else is asleep confirms it.
But here's what I need you to hear: You're not failing if you can't do it all. You're not a bad mom if you choose to let some things go. You're not selfish if you speak up about what you need.
You're just a human being trying to juggle fifty-five balls while everyone else is juggling five.
The magic of Christmas was never in the homemade cookies or the perfectly wrapped presents or the spotless house. It was in you - the woman behind all of it. The one who cares enough to want it to be special.
What if this year, instead of making Christmas magic for everyone else, you let yourself be part of it?
P.S.If you need a little more guidance on this, I created a Holiday Workshop for Moms - for the magic makers and holiday hero moms who long to actually enjoy the holiday magic they're working so hard to create.
Get the complete workshop + workbook to reclaim your holiday joy.
What's one plastic ball you're going to drop this Christmas? Drop a 🎄 in the comments if you're ready to let something go.
