Mom Guilt, Identity Loss, and Burnout: A Millennial Mom Therapist Explains What Actually Helps
Picture this: You're standing in your kitchen at 7 PM, still wearing yesterday's shirt (or is it from two days ago?).
Your Disney+ soundtrack is on repeat for the seventeenth time, your teenager self feels like a distant memory, and you can't remember the last time you listened to your music or wore something that made you feel like... well, you.
If that lands a little too close to home, you're not alone.
This week on the Chill Like a Mother podcast, I sat down with Allie McQuaid - better known as @millennialmomtherapist on Instagram - and we talked about the thing nobody really prepares you for in motherhood: the slow disappearance of yourself.
"Am I Screwing Up My Kids?" The Question Every Mom Is Asking (But Won't Say Out Loud)
Allie works with millennial moms in her private practice in Maryland, and she told me something that made my heart stop: Almost every single week, her clients ask her the same question.
"How do I not screw up my kids?"
Not "How do I raise happy kids?" or "How do I get them to sleep through the night?" (though those are valid too). The question underneath all the parenting strategies, the developmental milestones, the Instagram-worthy craft projects is this: Am I going to mess this up?
Allie explained that this question isn't just about parenting techniques. It's wrapped up in perfectionism, in the pressure to do it all and be it all, in the gap between the mom you thought you'd be and the mom you actually are at 3 PM on a Tuesday when everyone is melting down and you haven't eaten lunch.
"Just because you're not perfect doesn't mean that you're failing," Allie said. "But I think it's so hard to navigate that feeling."
Why Millennial Moms Are Experiencing Mom Identity Loss
Our generation's experience of motherhood is particularly complicated because we were told we could have it all.
Allie grew up outside Washington, DC, surrounded by high-achieving parents working government jobs. Like so many of us, she was told: "Follow your passion. Be happy. You don't have to follow the traditional path."
And even if that wasn't your reality of watching the adults in your life, maybe some part of it rings true... and maybe, just maybe we believed it (and now are struggling with the internal monologue of "am I enough").
Then we graduated into an economic recession, navigated an unpredictable job market, maybe found careers we love (or maybe we're still figuring that out), and entered motherhood with this expectation that we could blend all these identities seamlessly: Career woman. Partner. Friend. Creative person. And present, engaged, "good" parent.
Except nobody mentioned that our parents weren't modeling this version of motherhood. There is a seriousness to motherhood... We're trying to be more involved, more intentional, more everything - while also working, managing a household, and dealing with the constant overstimulation of modern life.
No wonder we're asking "how do I not screw this up?" We're literally making this up as we go.
The Mom Identity Shift: When You Wanna Be "Fun Mom" But Also Need Boundaries
I asked Allie about something I see all the time - that tension between wanting to be the fun, silly, playful mom and also needing to set boundaries and discipline.
"I'd really like to be a fun, silly, playful mom," I told her, "but then how do I discipline? Or I want to dance in my kitchen, but maybe I've got a neuro-spicy household and when I bring the fun, the fun gets out of control."
This is the daily tightrope walk of modern motherhood, right? You want to be present and engaged, but not so engaged that you lose yourself. You want to be spontaneous, but also maintain some semblance of structure. You want to break generational patterns, but sometimes you catch yourself sounding exactly like your own mother.
And beneath it all? You're exhausted.
Three Real Coping Strategies for Moms (That Actually Work)
Allie shared three practical strategies she teaches her clients - and I'm sharing them here because these aren't the kind of self-care tips that require you to wake up at 5 AM or book a spa day you can't afford.
1. Somatic Strategies: Regulate Your Nervous System in Real Time
When you feel yourself hitting that edge - the moment before you yell or completely lose it - try this:
The STOP Technique (from DBT):
S - Stop what you're doing
T - Take a step back (literally or figuratively)
O - Observe what's happening in your body
P - Proceed mindfully
Allie explained that this creates space between the trigger and your reaction. In that space, you might notice: "Oh, I'm clenching my jaw" or "My shoulders are up to my ears" or "I haven't eaten anything since that cold piece of toast at 7 AM."
Other quick regulation strategies:
Put your hands under cold water
Step outside for 30 seconds of fresh air
Do five deep belly breaths
Splash cold water on your face
Press your feet firmly into the ground
These aren't just "woo-woo" wellness tips - they're evidence-based ways to shift your nervous system out of fight-or-flight mode.
2. Catch Your "Shoulds" and Reframe Them
This one hit me hard. Allie talked about how often we're running on autopilot with "should" statements:
"I should be more patient"
"I should want to play with my kids more"
"I should enjoy every moment"
"I should have this figured out by now"
These "shoulds" create shame spirals. Instead, try reframing:
"I wish I had more patience today" gives you room to be human. It acknowledges the gap between where you are and where you want to be without making you wrong for being there.
Something to think (or journal) about: What "should" statement are you carrying around right now? What happens if you soften it to "I wish" or "I'd like to"?
3. Find Something in the Margins That Makes You Feel Like You
This is my favorite strategy because it's so accessible (and exactly what I teach my clients).
You don't need a girls' weekend or a solo vacation (though those are great if you can swing them). You need something today, in the margins of your regular life, that reminds you you're still a person.
For me today, it's wearing my Lion King Disney shirt and drinking coffee from my Friends mug. Small? Yes. Meaningful? Absolutely.
Allie shared that for her, it might be choosing her own music on a solo drive or eating something crunchy in the evening after bedtime - not standing by the fridge shoveling food in shame, but sitting down with a bowl of cereal with intention.
The question to ask yourself: Can you do something in the margins of what's expected of you that makes you feel a little bit like you?
Maybe it's:
One song that's yours on the drive to school drop-off
Your favorite coffee order instead of whatever's quickest
Five minutes scrolling content that makes you laugh instead of comparison scrolling
Wearing the outfit that makes you feel like yourself, even if you're just going to Target
Eating chocolate for breakfast with your kids (yes, we do this, and no, I'm not apologizing)
The Difference Between Intentional Self-Care and Shame-Based Coping
There's a huge difference between making an intentional choice and doing something out of desperation and shame.
"I'm gonna choose to eat this cake, and I'm gonna sit down and enjoy it" is self-care.
Standing by the fridge shoveling it in quickly so nobody sees you, while mentally berating yourself? That's shame-based coping.
Both involve cake. Only one involves compassion.
This applies to everything: scrolling your phone, watching TV, having a glass of wine, ordering takeout. What you're doing matters less than how - are you doing it with kindness toward yourself, or are you doing it while drowning in guilt about not being "enough"?
Brené Brown calls this the difference between numbing and actual rest. Numbing feels urgent and escapist. Rest feels restorative.
Breaking Generational Patterns While Parenting in Real Time
One of the biggest struggles Allie sees with millennial moms is the weight of breaking generational patterns while actively parenting.
Maybe you're trying to be more emotionally available than your parents were. Maybe you're working to not pass down the perfectionism or anxiety you inherited. Maybe you're learning about gentle parenting and attachment theory and wondering how to implement that when you weren't raised that way.
This work is hard. It's hard to give your kids something you didn't receive. It's hard to parent consciously when your default programming was written decades ago.
And here's what nobody tells you: You're going to mess up. You're going to have moments where you sound exactly like your mother (or father). You're going to lose your cool. You're going to fall back on old patterns.
That doesn't mean you're failing. It means you're human.
The repair work - the moment after you've yelled when you apologize, when you name what happened, when you try again - that's where the healing happens. Both for you and for your kids.
The "Am I Enough?" Question That Keeps Moms Up at Night
Throughout our conversation, Allie kept coming back to this theme: Millennial moms are navigating an impossible standard.
We're supposed to work (or not work, depending on who's judging). We're supposed to be present and engaged with our kids. We're supposed to maintain our relationships, our friendships, our physical health, our mental health, our homes, our careers (if we have them), our creative pursuits (ha!), and also somehow still be the vibrant, interesting people we were before kids.
And when we can't do all of it - because nobody can do all of it - we ask ourselves: "Am I enough?"
Let me say this clearly: You are enough exactly as you are, right now, reading this while your kid watches TV for the third hour today or while you hide in the bathroom for five minutes of peace.
The pressure to be everything for everyone is not a personal failing. It's a systemic issue with how we structure support (or don't support) for mothers.
What to Do When You're At Your Limit
Allie was honest about the reality of parenting: "There's going to be moments when you feel like, I'm on the edge here. This is really hard."
When you hit that wall - and you will hit it - this is what actually helps:
Acknowledge it. "I'm at my limit" is a complete sentence. You don't need to justify it or explain it away.
Use your tools. Pick one strategy from the list above and actually do it. Not later. Now.
Ask for help if you can. Even if it's texting a friend "I'm struggling today" or telling your partner "I need 10 minutes alone."
Repair if needed. If you snapped or yelled or reacted in a way you regret, circle back. "I'm sorry I yelled. I was overwhelmed and I didn't handle that well. Let's try again."
Extend yourself compassion. What would you say to a friend in your situation? Say that to yourself.
The Small Acts of Resistance That Save Your Sanity
At the end of our conversation, I asked listeners (and I'm asking you now): Can you identify one small thing you can do in the margins that makes you feel like yourself?
Not a complete identity overhaul. Not quitting your job or leaving your family or having a breakdown (though if you need professional help, please get it - there's no shame in therapy).
Just one small act of resistance against the pressure to be only "mom."
Maybe it's:
Wearing a shirt that makes you happy (like my Lion King shirt)
Listening to your music, not just the kids' playlist
Taking five minutes to do absolutely nothing
Eating breakfast sitting down instead of standing by the sink
Texting a friend just to say hi
Reading one page of a book that's just for you
Making art, even if it's just doodling while your kids watch TV
These small acts add up. They're breadcrumbs back to yourself.
A Message for the Mom Who Feels Lost
If you're reading this and feeling that ache of recognition - the one that says "yes, this is me, I've lost myself somewhere between the diaper changes and the school pickups and the endless mental load" - I want you to know something:
You're not broken. You're not failing. You don't need fixing.
You need space. You need support. You need someone to see the whole, complex, beautiful person you still are underneath the title of "mom."
Motherhood doesn't have to swallow you whole. It shouldn't require you to disappear. And the work of finding yourself again - or finding yourself for the first time as a mother - is some of the most important work you can do.
Not just for your kids. For you.
Connect With Allie McQuaid
You can find Allie on Instagram @millennialmomtherapist where she shares nostalgic millennial content mixed with real talk about the struggles of modern motherhood. Her content is like a breath of fresh air in the overwhelming noise of mom Instagram - no toxic positivity, no one-size-fits-all solutions, just validation, perspective, and permission to be imperfect.
If you're in Maryland and looking for therapy, she has a private practice where she works specifically with millennial moms navigating burnout, identity shifts, and breaking generational patterns.
If you feel called, take a moment to sit with these and write your thoughts out:
What "should" statement are you carrying around about motherhood? What happens when you soften it to "I wish" or "I'd like to"?
Can you identify one moment this week when you did something in the margins that made you feel like yourself? What was it?
What's the difference for you between intentional self-care and shame-based coping? Where do you tend to land?
If your best friend was struggling the way you are right now, what would you say to her? Can you say that to yourself?
What parts of your pre-mom self do you miss the most? Is there a way to bring even a tiny piece of that into your life this week?
P.S.
If this conversation struck a chord with you - if you felt that "it's me" moment of recognition - I'd love to hear from you. Share this post with a mom friend who needs to hear it, leave a comment below, or send me a DM on Instagram.
And just for fun: What's your favorite old-school nostalgic movie? The one from your childhood or teenage years that still makes you feel like yourself? Drop it in the comments. I'm collecting them and I'll share the responses - because sometimes we need reminders that we're not just moms. We're also the kids who grew up watching these movies, and that person is still in there.
Ready to dive deeper into reclaiming your identity beyond motherhood?
Download my free guide: "101 Ways to Chill Like a Mother" - Tiny, doable acts of self-care that actually fit into your real life
Join The Motherload Membership: A community of moms putting down the mental load and reconnecting with who they are beyond "mom" through creativity, expressive arts, and real support
Book a 1:1 session: Work with me as your expressive arts therapist to process the identity shift of motherhood and find your way back to yourself
You didn't become a mom to disappear. Let's figure out how to be whole together.
Kayla Huszar, BSW, RSW is a Registered Social Worker and Expressive Arts Therapist in Leduc, Alberta, specializing in helping mothers navigate burnout, identity loss, and the overwhelming mental load of motherhood. Through my podcast Chill Like a Mother, The Motherload Membership, and individual counseling, I created spaces for moms to reconnect with their whole, creative selves - not just their role as "mom."
Follow Kayla on her Instagram account @kayla.huszar
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