76. Why Moms Can't Just Calm Down - The Truth About Emotional Regulation and Mom Guilt (Charlie Webb)
The moment I slammed my hands on the dinner table, I knew I was done.
Rapid fire questions from every direction - what happened at school, who's going fishing, something about platypuses - and my ADHD brain just couldn't take in one more piece of information. So I did what any mom at her limit does.
"Enough. I need everybody to be quiet for 30 seconds."
And then came the shame spiral.
I should be more regulated. Good moms don't slam their hands on tables. All the mom influencers say you need to be calm and present and I can't even get through dinner.
Sound familiar?
I brought this exact moment to Charlie Webb, a Registered Psychotherapist who specializes in nervous system regulation, and asked her to walk me through why this keeps happening - and what to actually do about it.
Why mom brains hit overload faster than anyone admits
Our nervous systems retain information for five to seven generations.
Five to seven generations ago, moms had villages. They spent time in natural surroundings. They were not managing a group chat, a mental load spreadsheet, and a dysregulated seven year old simultaneously.
Research estimates that in one week of living in an urban center, we consume roughly the same amount of stimuli as our ancestors did in their entire lifetimes.
One week. A lifetime.
So when your kid asks for a hug and your body says absolutely not - your nervous system has nothing left to process. The touch is just the last piece of information a maxed-out body cannot take in.
As Charlie put it: "It's all the other information that the body is consuming and trying to process at the same time that leads to one more piece of stimuli."
Why "should" is making mom guilt worse
The second we notice we're dysregulated, shame moves in fast.
I should be able to handle this. I should be more patient. I should not be this person.
Charlie was direct about this: should is a shame word. Every time you tell yourself you should be different, you trigger a shame response - which makes it harder, not easier, to access anything that might actually help.
Social media pours gasoline on it. The perfectly curated posts about mindful parenting and emotional availability fuel the perfectionist spiral until it's all-or-nothing thinking. Calm all the time or failing completely. Regulated or broken.
Charlie said it plainly: "Unless you're a robot, that's just completely unrealistic. Our nervous systems are designed to ebb and flow with our surroundings."
The STOP tool every overwhelmed mom needs to practice
When Charlie shared this tool with me over coffee at The Lighthouse, our co-working space here in Leduc, my first reaction was genuinely - are you kidding me, it's that simple?
And then she reminded me of something a dad posted on Instagram that reframed the whole thing. He said parenting is like the Super Bowl - you don't practice at the Super Bowl, you perform there. You practice at home so that when you really need it, it's familiar instead of foreign.
That's the whole point of the STOP tool.
S - Stop. Mid-sentence, mid-dishwashing, mid-yell. Just stop.
T - Take a step back. Physically remove yourself if you can. Become the observer instead of the reactor.
O - Observe. What are you thinking? What stories are running? Where do you feel it in your body - the tightness, the heat, the darkness in your chest?
P - Proceed mindfully. Ask yourself: what do I want the outcome of this situation to be? Then move toward that instead of continuing on the trajectory you were on.
The deep breath works the same way. Lengthening your exhale creates a parasympathetic response that pulls your nervous system out of overdrive immediately. It works because of biology, not because it's cute advice. But only when you've practiced it enough that it's familiar - not the first time you've tried it in the middle of a full meltdown.
Why scrolling on the toilet counts as mom regulation
Dissociation gets a bad reputation. But Charlie was clear: "If I'm about to blow my top on my kids and the other option is sitting on my toilet for five minutes and scrolling - if that allows me the breathing space to come back and work through my kids' big emotions, it's okay. It's a good use of that tool."
The goal for moms isn't to eliminate every emotional response. The goal is to work with your body instead of against it. Sometimes that looks like stepping outside. Sometimes it looks like asking your partner to take over. Sometimes it looks like staring at a wall for five minutes.
Your nervous system is asking for what it needs. That counts.
Journal prompts for moms after listening
What does dysregulation feel like in your body before it fully takes over? What are your early signs?
What's one tool from this conversation you could practice this week - before you need it?
What do you actually want the outcome to be next time things hit the limit?
How would you talk to a friend who did exactly what you did in your last overwhelming moment?
Your worth as a mother isn't measured by your ability to remain calm in every moment.
It's measured by your willingness to show up, to repair when needed, and to keep trying even when it's hard.
So take the deep breath (when you remember to). Practice the STOP tool. Give yourself permission to step away when you need space. And please, please stop should-ing all over yourself.
You're already doing better than you think you are.
Chill Like a Mother Podcast Guest:
If you're in the Leduc area and resonated with this conversation, both Charlie and I are currently accepting new clients.
You can connect with Charlie at Nurtured Minds Wellness for individual therapy, couples counseling, or specialized work in emotional regulation and trauma. She offers both in-person sessions in Leduc and Calmar, as well as virtual sessions across Canada.
About Kayla: Kayla Huszar is a Mom Guilt Therapist based in Leduc, Alberta, who helps millennial mothers rediscover their authentic selves through therapeutic art and storytelling. She believes that creativity and self-expression are essential for maternal mental health and identity.
About Charlie: Charlie Webb is a Registered Psychotherapist (CRPO) and Counselling Therapist (ACTA) at Nurtured Minds Wellness. Based in Leduc, Alberta, Charlie specializes in helping adolescents (15+), adults, and couples navigate anxiety, depression, trauma, life transitions, and emotional regulation using a holistic approach that incorporates DBT, CBT, EFT, and other evidence-based modalities.
Related Reading:
5 Questions to Ask When Trying to Parent Differently Feels Impossible
ADHD Mom Identity Crisis: A Raw Guide to Reclaiming Yourself in Motherhood
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