#3 COPING TOOL - Let The Problem be the Problem
A self-compassion coping tool for moms.
Inspired by Olivia Scobie
⚡ Short on time? Jump straight to naming the problem.
💭 But First, a Soft Reality Check:
🌬️ Ground yourself first: Take three slow breaths. Notice where you're holding tension in your body.
✨ Try this: Think of a problem you're currently having.
It could be the unfair division of labor, your kids' behavior, the morning routine, or your partner's work hours.
Now ask yourself (and answer it in your notes app, your journal or just ate fives minutes for yourself) :
“If I’m not the problem… and they’re not the problem… then what is the actual problem?”
🧠 Why This Works:
When used regularly, this tool shifts your nervous system from:
❌ self-blame
❌ internalized failure
❌ reactive spiraling
To:
✅ clarity
✅ emotional regulation
✅ grounded problem-solving
And it reinforces this truth: You are not the problem.
You are a human inside a broken, demanding system.
And while we can't always wait for the system to change, we can build tools that help us live more comfortably within it.
🖌 The Coping Tool: Let's Name It
Before we name the problem, let's explore how it's showing up for you:
💬 Ask Yourself:
What do I believe about this situation?
What does this "problem" feel like in my body?
If it had a shape, color, or texture—what would it be?
What's the story it keeps whispering to me?
Where did that story come from? (You learned this story somewhere—it made sense at the time.)
Or, if open-ended questions feel overwhelming, try this:
The problem feels like: ☐ too much ☐ unfair ☐ invisible ☐ confusing ☐ unchangeable ☐ other: ____
✍️ Try These Sentence Starters:
"The story I keep hearing in my head is…"
"If this problem had a voice, it would say…"
"If I believed it wasn't my fault, I might see that…"
Remember: you are not the problem, and they are not the problem. Take your time.
You're allowed to scribble, rant, cry, or sit quietly.
All of it counts.
📄 Then, Name the Problem:
Remember: If I'm not the problem and they aren't the problem… what is the actual problem?
Write it down clearly and directly.
Example: I'm not the problem, and my partner isn't the problem. The problem to be solved: We are not on the same page about consistent and fair discipline.
Now brainstorm a few possible ways to work toward resolving it—without assuming it's your job to carry it alone.
Note: You can do this solo or use it as a conversation starter with a partner or support person.
💡 What if the problem can't be solved right now?
Sometimes the problem is systemic—lack of childcare, financial strain, chronic illness. Naming that it's not solvable today can also bring relief. You're not failing the tool. You're being honest.
🎨 Art Prompt 1: The Problem in the Room
Draw the actual issue that's been showing up lately in your home or in your head.
Don't draw people—draw the problem as an object, a monster, a thundercloud, a boulder, a sticky mess.
🎨 Art Prompt 2: The Bridge
Draw a bridge—the place between where you are and where you want to be.
Ask yourself:
What does it look like where I am?
What does it look like on the other side?
What's under the bridge?
What's keeping me stuck?
What do I need to get to the other side?
✍️ Bonus Journaling Prompt:
"If I let the problem be the problem, I would stop blaming ____, and start addressing ____."
Let the sentence be a doorway. Walk through it slowly.
Remember: Naming the problem is the work. You don't have to fix it today.
This week, I want you to practice this shift at least once.
When a dark or twisty thought starts whispering, "You're the problem," I want you to whisper back: "Maybe not. But I want to find out what is." Then reach for your art. Or your journal. Or just the smallest thread of curiosity.
