the waves of motherhood
I survived a hellish day with my oldest, (five years old at the time), he is highly sensitive and possibly ADHD.
He was saucy and feeling big all afternoon (and releasing said feelings upon me). And truth be told I was having a hard time being present with him (aka. regulating myself and not trying to control or make it stop) as I was also solo parenting him and his younger brother, who was 3 months old.
My postpartum doula was at the house and at bedtime she put my youngest in a wrap and did some household stuff for me so that I could take a moment to ground and then connect with my oldest during his bedtime.
Finally after much struggle, argument and bargaining at bedtime he said to me “mom when will I get my new house,” at first I didn’t understand. Then after some questions finally we arrived at the root of the problem and why his feelings were so big and “out of nowhere.”
He was afraid that at some point in his childhood life I would leave him and he would get a new family and a new house. Ah! That was it - we had watched Free Willy that afternoon and he was terribly upset. If you’ve ever watched the movie you would remember that the main character, Jesse, a boy didn’t have a mom, was living with foster parents and there are several scenes where him and his worker talk about his mom not being around.
I started to weep and he asked me why his (Jesse’s) mom had left him.
I said to him that some moms love their babies but aren’t ready to be moms. So, these moms do what they feel is right and they let other people take care of them. He asked why, and I said that some people have things happen to them and they can’t provide the safety or love they know their kids need and, that being a mom is hard work and not everyone wants to do it. He seemed satisfied with that answer. Whew, internal relief.
I then paraphrased his feelings and said, you were upset this afternoon because you were afraid that I would leave you. Yes.
You are afraid you would have to go and live with someone else. Yes.
That one day you would have a different mom. Yes.
I told him (with a hard fierce cuddle) that I loved being his mom and that I was good at it, that I loved our family very much and that I wasn’t going anywhere and he didn’t have to worry. He looked me in the eye and said he loved me and we hugged for a long time. I said goodnight. He fell asleep in my arms and I cried until I had to leave and relieve my doula.
inside the surges and waves of motherhood it can feel like your life is all consuming
We navigate things my family and friends cannot comprehend.
