Mom-Anxiety: How modern parenting wires us for worry - and what you can actually do about it
It’s 7:42 a.m. The toddler is crying because the banana he asked for is too banana-y. My oldest is refusing to wear socks - or something else small and loud. I’m running on cold coffee and cortisol, and I swear, I can feel my nervous system fizzing like a bottle of Orange Crush that’s been dropped and shaken.
The problem isn’t the banana. It’s not even the crying.
It’s that my body, in that moment, interprets all of it as a threat.
And that, my love, is anxiety.
And if that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
Anxiety disorders are the most common mental health condition in women, and 1 in 3 will experience one in their lifetime. And I can’t help but wonder if it’s even higher in moms — especially those doing it with very little support, like so many of us are.
But here’s the kicker: most moms I know don’t realize they’re anxious. Or anxious enough to warrant help (because in today’s landscape of parenting it can feel so normal, romanticized even). They know something’s wrong, but they think it's just part of being a parent (and maybe even if they aren’t anxious, they’re still not feeling right — because worry is a badge of honor these days.).
Because when we talk about anxiety, we tend to picture someone nervously biting their nails, or hyperventilating into a paper bag.
But anxiety - especially in motherhood - is sneakier than that.
It's living in a body that feels like it’s always being chased by a bear... even when you’re just doing laundry.
It’s that “I can’t relax” feeling, even when everyone else is finally asleep.
It’s the mind-loop of second-guessing every decision, Googling every symptom, and rage-cleaning because if one more person touches you, you might explode.
It’s existing in a body that’s been stretched too thin for too long, where your nervous system has been marinating in stress hormones for years.
It’s not your fault.
Your body is doing what it’s designed to do — protect you. But it's firing off warning signals based on an outdated emergency system, and our modern lives are relentless.
SO… It’s about the banana, but it’s not about the banana, you know? It’s about everything leading up to that moment. Things left unsaid, numbed, avoided, or detached from. Sound familiar?
Then let me officially welcome you into the club no one wanted to join: anxious motherhood. And no, you're not being dramatic. You're being human in a system that demands superhuman.
Is it anxiety… or just motherhood?
That statistic above (1 in 3 women will experience an anxiety disorder in their lifetime). I suspect that number is underreported — because so many moms think what they’re feeling is just “normal.”
So let’s break it down — because it’s not just racing thoughts or heart palpitations. It’s a full-body state of being wired — like your nervous system’s been hijacked and left on high alert. It’s what happens when your body interprets your life — the mess, the chaos, the expectations — as a threat.
Anxiety in motherhood can look like:
Googling your child’s rash at 1 a.m.
Crying over spilled milk... but not really about the milk.
Feeling guilty no matter what you do.
Rage cleaning while muttering “I’m fine” through clenched teeth.
And if you’ve ever whispered to yourself, Is it just me? Am I the only one who feels this way? — I promise you, you're not. We’re told parenting is hard, but no one breaks down the math of it.
No one tells you that the equation isn’t just sleep schedules and saying sorry — it’s all on you: breaking the cycles + gender stereotypes + overstimulation + unprocessed trauma + guilt, all multiplied by the expectation to “cherish every moment” (pllllease….).
My Rock Bottom Looked Like Smiling While Falling Apart
I didn’t get here by studying textbooks or sitting in fancy therapy conferences (though I did do those things). I got here by surviving my own personal anxiety-indiced-unravelling.
There was a season when my husband was working nights, and I was alone with my firstborn — and more intrusive thoughts than I care to count. I was exhausted, overstimulated, and running entirely on cortisol and cold toast crusts.
I smiled through playdates. I packed the store bought pouches. I did all the right things. But inside? I was screaming. I remember looking in the mirror one day and thinking, I don’t even recognize this version of me. I’m disappearing into the overwhelm.
And then came the moment that finally cracked me open…
Julia Roberts and the Art of No Longer Swallowing Bullsh*t
If you grew up on '90s movies like me (cue the VHS fuzz and a mom with a soft spot for Julia Roberts), then you might remember Something to Talk About.
There’s this one scene I’ll never forget — Julia, sitting at the table, freshly betrayed, expected to smile and stay polite while the patriarchy plays out over mashed potatoes. Her dad tells her to just make peace with her cheating husband — because business deals and reputations are at stake.
“You're telling me if I just eat sh*t politely with a knife and fork... and learn to swallow the handfuls of bullshit he serves me, then everything will be A-okay? Is that it? That's what you're saying, isn’t it?”
If you’ve ever felt the pressure to be grateful instead of grieving, to be pleasant instead of pissed off, to keep it together for the sake of the marriage/kids/community/bank account/reputation - then you know exactly what she meant.
This is what modern motherhood often feels like. Like sitting at that table. Everyone’s got their polite expectations and tidy suggestions. Meanwhile, you’re silently screaming inside, choking down the crushing emotional labor with a side of disassociation.
No wonder anxiety thrives here.
No wonder moms stay silent.
No wonder it takes two years (or more) to even name what’s happening.
In case you missed it: Chappell Roan was on Call Her Daddy recently and she said:
“All of my friends who have kids are in hell. I actually don’t know anyone who’s, like, happy and has children at this age. I literally have not met anyone who’s happy, anyone who has light in their eyes, anyone who has slept.”
Why Modern Parenting Feels So Damn Hard
Let’s name it: it’s not just that parenting is hard — it’s how we’re expected to do it.
We’re handed this impossible job description:
Be gentle, but firm.
Be involved, but not controlling.
Heal your childhood trauma while also packing themed school lunches.
Never yell, but also don't let them walk all over you.
Cherish every moment (even when you're touched out, cried out, and 3 minutes from a full breakdown in the laundry room).
As Olivia Scobie says in Impossible Parenting,
“We have a common understanding that parenting is hard, but very little discussion about what it is exactly that makes parenting so hard.”
And friend, that is the root of so much of our anxiety. We're trying to meet expectations that were never meant for one person — let alone one person running on 4 hours of sleep and caffeine.
So What Can You Actually Do About It?
Okay, let’s exhale together. I’m not going to tell you you need more alone time (though that might help) - I wouldn’t do that to you.
But here’s what I can say, from the other side of rock bottom:
🌀 Start small. I know everyone says that, but I mean microscopic. One breath. One moment of noticing how your body feels. One song in the car where you scream-sing and let your chest loosen up.
🎨 Get creative. I started art journaling because I was a very expressive creative teenager and I knew it helps me then — and it became my daily anchor in motherhood. Not because I’m good at it (I’m not), but because it was a place I could feel things instead of stuff them down.
🤝 Don’t do it alone. Whether it's a friend, a therapist, or a group of other hot-mess moms trying their best, you deserve support. You were never meant to hold all this by yourself.
❤️ Validate your experience. What you're feeling isn’t a personal failure. It's a normal response to an abnormal level of responsibility and pressure.
Why Modern Motherhood Feels Like Danger
Let’s talk science for a sec (don’t worry — I’ll keep it light).
Your nervous system has one job: keep you safe. It scans for threats and responds with either fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. The system evolved to protect us from actual danger — think lions, tigers, and bears.
But today’s “threats” look more like:
Waking up to screaming before your eyes are even open
A sink full of dishes and no one to help
Your kid melting down in the grocery store
A ping from the school app saying it’s theme day (again)
The mental load of remembering everything for everyone, always
Your brain can’t tell the difference between a bear charging at you and your kid shrieking at you because you cut the sandwich wrong — not when your system is already maxed out.
And when that becomes chronic? Your body starts to live in survival mode. Cortisol stays high. You lose access to your grounded, creative self. It becomes hard to make decisions, regulate emotions, or even feel joy.
And then you wonder, “Why can’t I just cope?”
Because mama, you’re not broken!
I lived with “mom anxiety” for nearly two years.
Diagnosable anxiety.
Clinically significant OCD.
Crippling decision fatigue.
It went unnoticed. Dismissed. Brushed off as just “new mom stuff.”
I wasn’t sleeping, because my baby wasn’t sleeping (which is normal at 4 months postpartum — but I was not prepared for it). And when I finally whispered for help through cracked nipples and clenched teeth, the only advice I got was: Just sleep train.*
So I did. I followed the sleep method like a good solider following orders.
And when the sleep training* “didn’t work,” the only thing I was left to believe was: Either my baby is the problem or I’m the problem. Not:
the impossible standards for parenting
the conflicting advice online
the unmanaged anxiety
the outdated system
the research that doesn’t reflect real families
Me.
So What Actually Helps With Mom Anxiety?
Here’s what helped me.
Not perfectly. Not all at once. But piece by piece, like tiny breadcrumbs leading me back to myself.
🌀 Somatic regulation. Not just “deep breaths” but retraining my body to feel safe again. I had to learn how to notice my anxiety in the moment — and respond gently.
🪶 Creative rituals. I started painting every day during COVID — not to be productive, but to survive. I art journaled through my second pregnancy to prevent a relapse of perinatal OCD. I found small, tactile, sensory practices that helped my body feel something besides panic.
🔁 Exposure therapy. The kind where I learned to sit with discomfort a little longer, one minute at a time, without scrolling. Letting a dish sit. Letting the tantrum roll through. Letting the silence be awkward.
🌱 Permission to stop performing. I had to unlearn the “good mom” performance. The one who never yells, always plays, always has organic snacks. I had to learn to mother myself, too.
Because here’s what I believe now:
You don’t need to be calmer, more productive, or less sensitive.
You need safety. You need connection. You need spaces where your needs don’t come last.
And maybe, just maybe — you need to stop swallowing bullshit politely with a knife and fork.
You deserve more than survival mode. You deserve to feel safe in your own mind and body.
If you’re curious where to start, I’ve got a handful of creative coping tools and check-ins that I use with moms just like you. The kind that take five minutes, not five hours. The kind that fit into the margins of your real, messy, noisy life.
Because even in the deep (deep) parts of anxiety, I knew I was also abandoning myself - people-pleasing in disguise - but I didn’t have the words, the tools, or the diagnosis (hello, undiagnosed ADHD) to name it. These tools help.
What the Numbers Really Say
95% of moms say they want to do better in at least one area of life
80% report high stress
70% are exhausted
62% feel off-balance
56% are stretched too thin
The hardest part? We don’t talk about it enough in a way that creates change. Moms discuss parenting worries often (especially in Facebook mom groups online), but it feels like a guessing game - unclear on what mom anxiety truly is, how much is too much and how to cope with it.
We vent about the chaos and pressure, but the real answers get overlooked amidst the distractions and busy lives.
What Mom Anxiety Sounds Like
“I should be better at this.”
“There’s too much to do and not enough time.”
“I think I made a huge mistake.”
“Why isn’t anyone validating me?”
“I need to find the perfect product for this.”
“I’m inadequate.”
Anxiety Rarely Looks Like You Think it Should
Irritability and restlessness
Snapping at everyone - even the dog, the goldfish, or the washing repair person
Obsessive researching, organizing or over-functioning
Headaches, jaw clenching, stomach pain that medicine doesn’t really fix
A deep, gnawing sense that something’s off - even if life looks “fine” from the outside
Why A Lot of Moms Try to DIY Their Anxiety
I’m a mental health professional.
And yet - I lived with undiagnosed perinatal anxiety and OCD for two years.
Two. Years.
I thought what I was feeling was normal.
Anxiety often hides in plain sight. It slips past diagnosis because:
You can’t see it - no fever, no rash, no cast
We avoid it and call it “fine” or “being strong”
You’re told to cherish every moment, even the ones that have you questioning “what is wrong with me?”
You’re expected to be grateful, not grieving the parts of yourself that got lost
You feel ashamed for struggling when everyone else seems to be “fine” (whatever that means)
Even the well-meaning advice - can sting like lemon in a paper cut.
“Sleep when the baby sleeps.”
“This too shall pass.”
“Have you tried lavender oil?”
You’re left feeling even more isolated. Like maybe the problem is you after all.
Let’s just clear this up right now, mama:
You didn’t cause this.
You didn’t manifest it by not being grateful enough.
You’re not inadequate.
You’re not broken.
And you’re definitely not “too sensitive.” (Ugh—don’t even get me started on that tired narrative.)
Anxiety in motherhood doesn’t sprout from nowhere. It grows in the messy soil of biology, thought patterns, and real-life conditions that demand everything and then some.
Risk Factors for Anxiety in Motherhood
Source: Canadian Perinatal Mental Health Trainings
🧪 Biology
Hormones - estrogen, progesterone, and cortisol
A genetic hand-me-down - yep, it can run in families
Neurotransmitter imbalances (hi serotonin, we miss you)
Sleep deprivation and chronic stress - the sneakiest saboteurs of mental health
Undiagnosed ADHD
🧠 Cognitive Patterns
Perfectionism and “I should be doing more” loops that never shut up
Rumination - replaying that one moment 87 different ways
Catastrophic spirals and what-if rabbit holes
Intrusive thoughts - especially postpartum, and especially terrifying
If you’ve ever had a disturbing image or an intrusive thought flash across your mind and wondered what is wrong with me—hear this:
You are not broken.
You are human.
These thoughts are common.
They are treatable.
And they say nothing about who you are as a mother or a person.
💥 Real Life Conditions
And then there’s the part no one wants to talk about—how the system itself stacks the odds:
Unexpected pregnancy
Solo parenting with zero margins for meltdown
Loss, birth trauma or fertility grief that still stings
Financial stress and job insecurity
Parenting while neurodivergent, disabled, or chronically ill
Zero support, zero community, zero rest
The weight of systemic injustice - racism, sexism, classism
Colic, reflux, or sensory challenges (aka, a baby or older child who needs more than you physically have to give)
Anxiety doesn’t just “happen.” It builds, slowly, silently, systematically. And naming where it comes from? That’s not blaming. That’s reclaiming your power.
Why We Feel So Powerless as Anxious Moms
You were likely raised on “you can be anything!”
Now we’re expected to be everything - with everything on you, different villages, no rest, and no room to fall apart.
And the rules?
The more you sacrifice, the more you love.
Keep it natural, but not too crunchy.
Be sexy by bedtime.
Make every moment magical.
Smile through the unraveling.
What Not to Do When You're Drowning in Mom Anxiety
This list comes from love, not judgment - because I’ve done them all:
Scrolling until your eyes hurt
Opening 45 tabs but processing nothing
Crying quietly while your partner snores
Rejecting help because “I should be able to handle this”
Avoiding the hard stuff until your body forces a breakdown
Skipping your counselling appointment
4 Simple Anti-Anxiety Coping Tools
(in five minutes or less, because... mom life)
1. Recognize the Relentlessness
Name it to tame it, mama. When your brain won’t quit, when your chest feels like it’s hosting a cage match of “what ifs” - pause. Whisper to yourself: This is anxiety. It makes sense. I’m not crazy. I’m overwhelmed.
You are allowed to call out the monster under the bed. Especially when that monster is invisible but bossy as hell.
2. Allow the Chaos (Without Getting Stuck There)
You don’t have to “calm down.”
You just have to feel.
Emotions that are felt can move. (Science says most big feelings pass in about 90 seconds.)
Let the tears come.
Let the anger simmer.
Let the numbness stay if it needs to.
Emotions denied? They dig in and set up camp.
Emotions allowed? They move through.
3. Investigate and Nurture
This one’s half detective, half fairy godmother.
Ask yourself:
What am I believing about myself right now?
Whose voice is this?
Is this truth—or just a tired story passed down by the “good mom” myth and generational pressure?
Then nurture. Not with sugar-coated affirmations. With real self-compassion.
Ask: What does this vulnerable part of me need right now?
4. Create Your Way Through It
Enter: the magic of art journaling, doodling, scribbling, or angrily dancing to your teenage music in your kitchen.
“Creative Expression. Engaging in creative activities today leads to more energy, excitement, and enthusiasm tomorrow. Why? How? Like sports, the arts—including painting, sculpture, music, theater, and storytelling in all forms—create a context that tolerates, even encourages, big emotions.” - Nagoski, Emily; Nagoski, Amelia. Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle
Grab a pen, a marker, some scrap paper, or even that unopened journal that’s been giving you the side-eye.
Draw your overwhelm. Collage your craving for rest. Write a letter you’ll never send. You just need a few brave moments of honesty - and a soft, sacred space to fall apart.
Because healing doesn’t mean reading more about coping with anxiety. It means making room for all of you. Even the anxious, quirky, fiercely tender parts.
First time we're meeting? Hey mamas, I’m Kayla.
Registered Social Worker
Counsellor, expressive arts therapy guide, and ADHD mom who knows what it’s like to quietly fall apart behind the “good mom” mask.
I help overwhelmed, overthinking mothers who are done white-knuckling it through the day-to-day. Together, you’ll build coping tools that actually work - in real life, not just in theory - for the highs, the lows, and all the messy sh*t in between.
So… To Summarize: Anxiety in motherhood isn’t just a you problem.
It’s a perfectly reasonable response to:
overstimulation
emotional labor
sensory chaos
lack of support
and a culture that tells you to smile through it all
You are not the problem.
And the solution? It’s not another parenting book.
It’s not a new 4 a.m. morning routine.
It’s not another to-do.
The first step? Slowing down just enough to hear yourself again. Underneath the guilt. Beneath the noise. In the quietest corners of your day.
Ready for One Tiny (But Mighty) Step?
If your brain feels like 73 browser tabs are open and your soul feels like it’s been on hold with customer service for six months…
✨ The 5-Minute Creative Check-In is your non-performative, no-pressure place to begin. It’s not about fixing yourself — it’s about finding yourself again.
* PSA about sleep training:
If you’re contemplating sleep training as a resource for your family, here’s my gentle nudge: follow your values, not my story. I know the research is still doing its back-and-forth dance on this one. My two cents? I tried sleep training because I genuinely thought it could help our family. When it didn’t, we kept looking. That doesn’t make it bad, it just means it wasn’t our answer. In this modern parenting culture, there’s a tendency to hyper-focus on “teaching” babies how to behave - but often, the real need is supporting the mother as she navigates the exhaustion, pressure, and self-doubt that no chart or schedule can solve. If you’re chewing on this and want to talk it out or would like some additional resources, feel free to email me. I’d love to chat with you about this.
Sources:
Shapiro, Livia. The Somatic Therapy Workbook: Stress-Relieving Exercises for Strengthening the Mind-Body Connection and Sparking Emotional and Physical Healing (p. 27). (Function). Kindle Edition.
Scobie, Olivia. Impossible Parenting: Creating a New Culture of Mental Health for Parents (Function). Kindle Edition.
Worthington, Alli (2023). Remaining You While Raising Them: The Secret Art of Confident Motherhood (Function). Kindle Edition.
Follow Kayla on her Instagram account @kayla.huszar for mom life reality and tips!
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