81. How to Stop Repeating Your Parents' Patterns & Why Repair Matters
I saw the look in your eyes - waiting to see if I'd react. You didn't mean to make so much noise or to piss me off. You were just being four.
When you were two-ish, I yelled at you (a time or two…) for dragging the stool across the floor. It's so fucking noisy. And I just knew that I scared you. The noise and vibration were the icing on the cake that particular day - solo parenting, making supper, after working all day, you at daycare and it was an immediate flood of spiraling thoughts and guilt - and the stool - I just wanted some of the chaos to stop.
All you wanted was to be with me. And I yelled at you for getting the stool so you could "help" me cook. In that moment, you needed compassion, response, and connection, and I didn't deliver.
So, when you dragged the stool across the floor and looked up at me - realizing I might react - you looked scared. Apprehensive. Nervous.
You looked at me, waiting, pausing, assessing…and I smiled. I took a deep breath, said dragging the stool across the floor was okay, and offered to help if needed. You didn't need it - you don't often need my help anymore.
You put the stool in place and asked if you could help me. I said yes and handed you a spoon. I looked down at you, and tears came to my eyes. You didn't notice. But I did. I leaned over to hug you, and I held you tight; you probably wondered what I was doing. You smiled and hugged me back, and that was it.
A moment of repair. One I didn't plan for. No one gave me a script. I wasn't following some rigid plan. It was simply a moment.
But it was everything.
What Research Says About Anger
Dr. Sophie Brock researches maternal anger - why it happens, what it means, how it shows up. Her work validates what most of us are too ashamed to say out loud: maternal anger is real, it's common, and it doesn't make you a bad mother. (Read her work here)
And Repair
Dr. Becky Kennedy says the biggest predictor of raising emotionally healthy kids isn't whether we get it right. It's whether our kids feel seen and heard when we get it wrong. Whether we take responsibility. Whether we repair.
Brené Brown echoes this in her Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto. We cannot give our children what we don't have ourselves. If we want to raise children who are comfortable with vulnerability, who can repair relationships, who can be authentic - we have to model that. And we can't model what we're not practicing.
Even Supernanny Jo Frost, known for her no-nonsense authoritative parenting approaches, talks about the importance of reconnection after conflict. For her it's certainly not about letting kids off the hook - it's about making sure the relationship is intact after you’ve followed through on some kind of consequence.
The research is clear: repair matters more than the highest of high standards of being a "good" mom. What is a good mom anyways?
Why Moms Struggle With Repair
Most of us didn't receive repair as children.
When our parents lost it, they didn't come back. They expected us to get over it, move on, not be so sensitive.
So now we're trying to do something our nervous systems were never taught: how to come back after rupture.
We know we should repair. The Instagram therapists tell us to. The podcasts and books tell us to.
But knowing you should and knowing HOW are two very different things. Especially when you're dysregulated, still pissed off, and your kid is looking at you with that hurt expression that makes you want to both hug them and hide.
What Repair Actually Means
Rupture = A break in connection. When your kid feels unsafe with you.
Not every conflict is a rupture:
Setting a boundary isn't a rupture.
Saying no to ice cream isn't a rupture.
Forgetting their favorite snack isn't a rupture.
But yelling in a way that scares them? That's a rupture. Mocking them? Rupture. The silent treatment (even when it’s exactly what YOU needed to calm the F down)? Rupture.
Repair = Coming back to restore connection. Taking responsibility. Showing them the relationship is still safe.
Repair doesn't erase the rupture. It means: I see what I did. I see how it affected you. I'm here. We're okay.
Why Repair Breaks Generational Patterns
Here's what most people misunderstand: they think breaking cycles means NEVER EVER repeating the behavior.
But that's not how humans and our nervous systems work.
You will repeat the behavior sometimes. When you're dysregulated, touched out, running on fumes - your body defaults to what it knows.
The pattern doesn't break in prevention. It breaks in repair.
When you yell and then come back to apologize - that's different from what your parents did.
When you acknowledge your child's feelings instead of expecting them to get over it - that's breaking the pattern.
When you model that adults can mess up and still take responsibility - that's revolutionary.
Your kids aren't learning that you're perfect. They're learning that people can hurt each other, recognize it, feel the feelings about it and still circle back to talk about it.
That's what breaks cycles.
The Constant Nature of Rupture
Rupture comes in seasons.
This month it might be yelling. Next month, screen time guilt. The month after, how you talk to your partner in front of the kids.
You're not going to solve guilt once and move on. It's going to show up again and again in different areas.
But here's what changes: you get faster at recognizing it. Faster at interrupting the spiral. Faster at repair.
The first time you practice repair, it might take hours to go back to your kid. The tenth time? Maybe 30 minutes. The hundredth time? Maybe 5.
You're building new neural pathways. Teaching your nervous system a different way. Showing your kids (and yourself) that coming back is always possible.
Creativity: The Missing Piece in Repair (And Your Wellness)
You can't repair from empty.
You can't show up authentically when you've abandoned yourself.
This is where creativity becomes self-healing and non negotiable - not optional, not "nice to have," but essential.
When you make space for creative expression - five minutes with markers, journaling, dancing in your kitchen - you're staying connected to yourself so you can stay connected to your kids through the ruptures.
The mothers I work with who struggle most with repair aren't the ones who yell the most. They're the ones who've lost themselves completely in the "mom" role. They're trying to repair from self-abandonment, scripts and wanting to be good instead of showing up messy and imperfect and it rings hollow.
But when you give yourself creative space to feel, to express, to be whole - repair becomes possible. Real repair. Not scripted repair.
You show up and mean it when you say "I'm sorry, let's try again."
(Want to learn more about using creativity for regulation? Listen to Episode 79 of the Chill Like a Mother Podcast: "Why Millennial Moms Feel Like They’re Failing (And What Actually Helps)" and Episode 80: "How Do You Stay Present When You’re Not Okay as a Mom? with Megan Dowd")
What You Can Do Right Now
(As a mom who gives a F about being a good mom and not having her kids end up in therapy - or at least not talking about you ALL the time)
If you're thinking "okay but what do I actually DO?" - I hear you, there isn’t a manual for this.
Here's what to do:
Register for the Repair Workshop (it's free)
Notice the spiral - Next time you yell, notice what happens after. Do you replay it for hours? Beat yourself up? Avoid your kid? Just notice.
Name one thing you didn't receive - What did you need as a child that you didn't get? Write it down.
Give yourself permission - Whatever you didn't receive, give yourself permission to provide it now. For yourself first, then for your kids.
This isn't about being perfect. It's about building the capacity for repair.
The Work Continues
If you want to practice repair in real time - not just read about it - I'm running a free 60-minute workshop where we'll:
Create a Repair Resource through guided creative expression
Complete the "I Didn't Receive" exercise together
Learn the 6-step framework for repair that works even when you're dysregulated
You'll walk away with something tangible you created (not another PDF to save and never open), a clear process for repair, and the understanding that you're not failing - you're already breaking the pattern.
For the Mom Who Thinks She's Failing
If you're thinking, "But I keep messing up. I keep yelling. I keep repeating the pattern," let me tell you something:
The fact that you keep coming back to repair? That IS the pattern-breaking.
Your parents yelled, and moved on, and pretended it didn't happen, over and over.
You're yelling, and then repairing, and then yelling again, and then repairing again.
You're building new neural pathways. Teaching your nervous system a different way. Showing your kids that people can mess up and come back together.
That's not failure. That's literally how change happens.
Change isn't linear. It's: mess up, repair, mess up again, repair again, slowly getting quicker at the repair part, less intense in the mess-up part, more grounded in knowing that rupture doesn't mean the end of safety.
That's the work. And you're already doing it.
The Long Game of Motherhood
Psychologist and researcher Dr. Ed Tronick found that parents only need to be attuned to their children 30% of the time for secure attachment to form. Not 100%. Not even 50%. Just 30%.
That means you can mess up 70% of the time and your kid will still be okay - as long as you repair.
Your kids won't remember that you were perfect. They can't, because you weren't. None of us are.
But they will remember that when you messed up, said the wrong thing, did the loud and intense thing, when you yelled, seen the hurt and dropped to your knees and immediately apologized to them, you came back. That when things got hard, you didn't disappear into silence or defensiveness. That you could be wrong and still be their safe person.
I can’t tell you how many clients have said to me “I’m scard that I’m the safest and the scariest person for my child? I don’t deserve them.”
They'll learn that relationships can bend without breaking. That repair is possible. That love doesn't require perfection.
And that's everything.
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