Session 5: I Do Everything Because... - The Pressure is Real... But is it Necessary?
Welcome back, or welcome if this is your first time with us. However you made it here today - whether you're feeling on top of things or completely buried under your to-do list - you're exactly where you need to be.
So yesterday morning, I was rushing around getting everyone ready, and I realized I was doing seventeen different things at once. Making breakfast, signing a permission slip, looking for someone's missing shoe, mentally planning dinner, remembering we need more milk, responding to a text from a friend, and wiping down the counter.
Meanwhile, my partner was eating breakfast and then going to get dressed. Just... those two things.
And when I felt that familiar tightness in my chest - that overwhelmed feeling - I caught myself thinking: "Well, I have to do all this. I'm the only one who remembers where things are. I'm the only one who thinks ahead. If I don't do it, it won't get done right."
But then I stopped and asked myself: Is that actually true? Or have I just become so used to carrying everything that I've forgotten how to put things down?
Does this sound familiar? That feeling of being the default for everything - the one who remembers, organizes, anticipates, and handles all the invisible work that keeps your family running? The mental weight of being responsible for everyone and everything?
Today we're going to explore what that pressure feels like in your body, and what happens when you ask yourself: What if I don't actually have to do everything?
What I Hope You Discover Today
Maybe the weight of "doing everything" shows up in specific places in your body
Perhaps some of the pressure you carry isn't actually necessary - just familiar
Your body knows the difference between what you choose to do and what you feel trapped doing
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Gentle Check-In
Before we go deeper, let's just notice what's happening in your body right now.
Think about your endless mental to-do list - all the things you're managing, remembering, anticipating. What does carrying all of that feel like in your body? Maybe heavy, or tight, or like you're bracing against something.
Write the beginnings of these sentences and finish them with your very first thought:
When I think about everything I'm responsible for, I feel...
The weight of being the 'default parent' ...
When I imagine having a break...
And when you think about questioning whether you really need to do everything yourself, what comes up? Maybe relief? Maybe panic about things falling apart? All of that makes complete sense.
A Different Way to Look at This
I want to offer you a completely different way to think about this pressure you're carrying.
What if the reason you do everything isn't because you're naturally better at it, but because you've been conditioned to believe that caring means controlling? That love means anticipating every need before anyone even asks?
Here's what happens: You start doing more because you care. Then you get good at it because you're doing it all the time. Then everyone relies on you because you're good at it. Then you feel like you can't stop because everyone needs you to keep doing it.
But what if some of the things you're doing aren't actually necessary? What if some of the standards you're maintaining are yours, not requirements? What if some of the anticipating and managing you're doing is preventing other people from stepping up?
Your body is carrying not just the physical tasks, but the mental and emotional weight of being responsible for everyone else's comfort and happiness.
What if YOU doing everything isn't actually serving you or your family?
What if it's just exhausting you and preventing others from becoming more capable?
Today we're going to explore what it feels like to carry everything versus what it might feel like to put some things down.
Guided Visualization: Mental Load
Before we start, write down what you hope to understand about where this pressure lives in your body.
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If you're willing, get comfortable and take a few breaths with me. Or soften your gaze if closing your eyes doesn't feel right.
Close your eyes and take some deep breaths. Notice your chest rising and falling. Keep breathing until you feel settled in your body.
Think about everything you're currently managing - not just the visible tasks, but the mental load. The remembering, the planning, the anticipating, the worrying about everyone else's needs. Feel what it's like to carry all of that.
Notice where this weight lives in your body. Maybe your shoulders feel heavy or pulled up tight. Maybe your chest feels compressed. Maybe your back aches with the load. Maybe your head feels full or buzzy. Just notice where you're holding all of this responsibility.
Now imagine this weight as something physical you're carrying. What does it look like? A heavy backpack? A pile of rocks? A mountain on your shoulders? Let your body show you what this burden looks like.
Here's the important part: Ask your body - what would it feel like to put some of this weight down? Not all of it, just some. Notice if there's fear about letting go. Notice if there's relief. Both can be true at the same time.
Now move your attention to your heart area. Take your time getting there. When you can feel your attention resting in your heart, ask: "What do I actually choose to carry because I love it, and what am I carrying out of habit or fear?" Let whatever images or feelings come up.
Finally, ask your heart: "What's one thing I could put down that would create more space for what I actually want to be doing?" Don't think about it, just notice what comes up.
When you have your answer, gently open your eyes.
This isn't about becoming careless or letting your family down. It's about distinguishing between what you're carrying out of love versus what you're carrying out of habit.
Creative Practice - Your Choice
Pick whatever feels most accessible to you today - based on what energy you have, what supplies are handy, or just what calls to you.
🎨 Option One: Draw Your Mental Load
Use whatever materials you have to draw what carrying everything feels like, and what it might look like to put some things down. Maybe show the weight you're carrying versus what you'd choose to keep. Maybe draw what space looks like when it's not filled with everyone else's needs.
🖊️ Option Two: Write About What You're Carrying
Let yourself write about what came up during the meditation.
What does the weight feel like?
What are you carrying out of love versus habit?
What would you choose to put down?
What scares you about letting go?
What excites you?
Remember - this isn't about being irresponsible. It's about being intentional with your energy and attention.
Take 12-15 minutes with whichever option you chose.
Journal Practice: What Did You Notice?
Take a moment to look at what you created, or think about what came up for you.
What are you noticing right now in your body as you look at your image, or as you read your words?
What are you most drawn to in your writing, or in your image?
What I hear from people is how surprised they are by how much weight they're carrying that they didn't consciously choose to pick up. Your body knows the difference between what you want to do and what you feel you have to do.
What You Discovered Today
Look what you did today. Instead of just accepting that you have to do everything, you felt into what carrying all that weight actually does to your body. You explored the difference between what you choose to do out of love and what you do out of habit or fear.
You discovered that your body knows when you're carrying too much, and it has wisdom about what could be released. You learned that questioning the pressure doesn't make you selfish - it makes you intentional.
You considered that maybe doing everything isn't actually serving anyone. Maybe it's preventing other people from stepping up, and preventing you from having energy for what you actually want to be doing.
Here's something to remember: Your family doesn't need you to be a martyr. They need you to model what it looks like to take care of yourself and make conscious choices about how you spend your energy.
What if the most loving thing you could do is put some things down, so you have more energy and presence for what truly matters to you and them?
Next Week: Session 6: The Break You Crave But Can't Seem to Get - Taking Space (Even When Guilt Shows Up)
We'll explore what it feels like in your body to actually claim space for yourself, and how to build distress tolerance for the guilt and resistance that might come up when you finally say "this time is mine."
Something to Take With You
Think about one small thing you could put down or share this week. Not something huge that requires major family negotiations - something small that would create just a little more space for what you actually want to be doing.
Write for a few minutes: "One thing I could put down this week to create more space for what I want is..."
Maybe it's asking someone else to handle one recurring task. Maybe it's lowering your standards on something that only matters to you. Maybe it's stopping the mental tracking of something that others could remember themselves.
Trust what your body told you about what you're ready to release.
Gentle questions to carry with you this week:
What would change if you only carried what you actively choose to carry?
How might creating more space serve your whole family, not just you?
What's one standard you maintain that you could question this week?
These are just invitations. You get to decide what you carry and what you put down.
