95. But Are You Really Living, Mom? Or On Autopilot...
"This shit is literally hitting the fan professionally, personally, in partnership, in parenting." That's how I opened my conversation with Saghar this week. I wanted to know: how do you take care of yourself when everything happens at once?
"I honestly see it as reactive methodology versus preventative methodology." Reactive means you're already there, already snapped, already checked out. The guilt and shame you feel afterward is your body's way of telling you that you waited too long. Preventative means you don't wait for that to happen.
For me, it's always felt like a chicken-and-egg problem. Do I take care of them well and then feel well, or do I feel well first and then take care of them? I don't get into that on the episode, but here's how I break it down for myself:
Preventative looks like:
Being aware of my own stuff and actually responding to it
Asking for what I need
Not letting people pleasing, perfectionism, or my own anxious thoughts get in the way
Reactive looks like:
Things happening to me
Having no control
Not knowing what to do
Wondering why no one is noticing me
Drowning, not knowing which way is up
Both are valid.
I see moms in both places, but they look completely different. If you want to hear more about how I think about this, you can find it all in my free download, 101 Ways to Chill Like a Mother.
The 3 Mom Burnout Warning Signs Saghar Watches For
Saghar has her own clear answer to this. She shared the three warning signs she looks out for:
"Activist Saghar" starts showing up in places she's supposed to stay neutral - she's biased, activated, done pretending otherwise
She gets short with her daughter over stuff that doesn't even matter
She and her husband stop laughing. No dumb TV together, no inside jokes, nothing that isn't a to-do list
When all three show up at once, she doesn't wait it out. She takes time for herself before she loses it with her kid or before the guilt turns into shame.
Prevention doesn't erase the guilt. Even when Saghar does everything "right," the guilt shows up quickly. "It doesn't even come the next day," she told me. "It's like within three hours... I still feel the guilt like hour four." She hasn't left the house. Her husband has everything covered. The guilt still comes because she believes she can't need this until everyone else is taken care of. That belief is why she never skips her time, no matter how loud the guilt gets.
That belief doesn't just come from inside her. Other people reinforce it too. Here's one of mine, not Saghar's: "I'm a threat to the moms who are very unhappy." Joy isn't neutral. For someone running on empty, seeing someone else's joy can feel like an accusation.
None of that stops her, because what creativity gives her isn't optional. "This is your mode of survival. This is your way of coping. This is your new therapy." That's how Saghar meant it, as a simple fact. For her, this keeps her feeling like a person instead of just running on autopilot. She ended our conversation with the real question behind everything we'd talked about: "Are you living today? Or are you a robot executing?" Preventative self care lets you answer that for yourself, instead of finding out the hard way.
If this episode found you at the right time, I have a free Undermothered meditation. Comment UMM or UNDERMOTHERED, and I'll send it your way. You can hear the full conversation with Saghar, including the moment I called myself a threat to my own unhappy friends, wherever you listen: Spotify, Apple, or YouTube.
What You'll Learn About Mom Burnout Warning Signs and Preventative Self Care
1. The 3 mom burnout warning signs to watch for
2. Reactive vs. preventative self care - and which one you're actually doing
3. Why mom guilt still hits, even when you do everything "right"
4. Why creativity isn't optional - it's survival
5. The one question that changes everything
More From Saghar
Bio: Saghar is a mediator, nonprofit founder, and Founding Partner of Mediated Solutions, with over fifteen years of experience in conflict resolution and transitional justice work. She's also a mom to a three year old, navigating what it means to stay present and creative while carrying emotionally demanding work.
